the heart attack
we weren't exactly children, but not adults either
our parents, they did their best but never really knew how to love enough
just fuck enough
in between, long intervals, of an empty marriage
filled with empty love and voids filled with bad advice
but they always said they tried their hardest
even when i had a heroin addict father who would cook up meth
(sure, let's call him the chef)
and the chef married the one who loves the bud
yet the bud bloomed into a lover of the word
and the chef got clean
and the bud bloomed, furthering her love for the word
of christ
and yet somehow somewhere along the lines
between the pages
between the drugs
between the fucks
they had children
w/ long intervals of years between each
and yet somehow
me and you
we conquered the statistics
and somehow became the best friends
the best of party friends, the best of life friends, and ultimately
you were the adult figure i always wanted and never had
but then came the downfall
the betrayal....
to the one who betrayed who i thought never would:
i really thought i entered the afterlife from then on
was it all a dream?
is bobby my afterlife? did i make it to heaven?
is that why the heroin never stops flowing?
i talk to bobby about it sometime:
maybe we are both here, in the afterlife, together, finally
because earth wasn't quite right and they sent us off
like we were on a ship to a new great land to conquer
but instead of the conquer, we just adjusted
kind of like those wristcutters
we just stayed stagnant
and it was okay
even though we always said evolving was the only way
we'd want to even be alive
without the evolve, we'd rather be dead
so here we are dead
but if this is death, and love means death, then we're doing okay, right?
i guess that's the best part of adjusting, am i right?
i know youll be my second great betrayal, but this time i'm ready.
you see i wasn't ready for my first
no, not my first lover, no my first and only brother
my one and only real betrayal
maybe i can thank you for that one day, that's what you say right?
no crying allowed right?
was never good enough to write, right?
not a good enough painter either
but brother:
you told it like it was
you got me to the point
where i guess i needed to be
and then like that,
you vanished
you and me, we'd never go at those lines again
we'd never drink until we couldn't stand at the local pub
we'd never hide under the post office's covering in the freezing cold
laughing our asses off
calling everyone fuck heads
because it's true, they were fuck heads
and it's true, they never mattered anyways
we had each other and it didn't matter
we could have conquered the world if you didn't fuck shit up
(we could have at least had the lines flow a little longer)
we could have at least laughed a little longer
there's a lot more to this and a lot of no more's
and i guess a lot of unheard thank you's i never delivered
remember,
kicking the shit outta people for me?
always making sure the guys i brought home were worthy of me?
saving me with a nice bag of blow the night i was raped?
saving me time and time again with even more powder?
saving me from all the times i could have been caught
but then, when i was caught
you threw me right under the bus
you pretended all those nights never happened
you acted like i never existed
that's the last night i felt alive.
you wouldn't save me from the sex
you wouldn't save me from the concussions
you wouldn't drag the little shits who did it into a van ever again
you wouldn't talk about your cool little sister
but instead
sit at a bar
crying to strangers about a child that wasn't yours
and crying about your sister who became a junk box
you threw yourself pity parties
like it was all about you
was that all you were there for? are you done playing savior now?
i didn't need any favors, i didnt want any of that
i just want my best friend back
remember when i confided in you?
i told you i had a problem with the pins
and you told me your girlfriend had it worst and i'd get on with it
and you were right, i would have gotten on with it
except you sold me down the river
instead of getting on w/ it
i got stuck in this disease mold
that doesn't even exist
and then i got stuck in this choice mold
which doesn't exist either
see everyone:
it's a little bit of both.
you have the choice until it gets too bad
until you don't get high
until instead of being high you just feel normal
like a plant with water
like a diabetic with insulin
like a drug addict with their junk
it's all the same you see
eventually anyway.
but i digress:
nowadays, you forgot about me
you see,
you flushed me down the toilet
like your old favorite golfish
except i never really was the gold opus baby, now was i?
you forgot about those days of me pretending to be your kid
so you could pick up girls, didnt you?
you forgot about teaching me how to be just like blondie
you forgot teaching me how to write poetry since i was age four
well i can't do it now anyway so fuck you
and fuck you for making sure you were always better
and did you forget about teaching me about art?
colored markers that changed colors:
guns
a rose
some skulls
a piano
a bandana
and hello axl rose, there you are my love, in grade 2
and i had those cool markers and id drawer it all over my books
getting in trouble from an early age
headbanging because all the cool girls knew how
teaching me to grow up like bondie, never giving a fuck
playing these experiments on these dumbasses
because nothing really mattered
a first grader
having existential crises
questioning the bible
wondering about sex
wondering about drugs
wondering about afterlife
all because you put those thoughts in my head
and then, we both moved on...
you:
too many loveless relationships, so you settled
you learned, leaned into a new relationship
you even took my anniversary date
(yours was much later fyi)
june 25 will always be mine
you played it safe:
you chose a nice girl.
a safe one, a sane one
because it's what you needed
(it's what i needed too, really)
but i'll never sell out
me:
i chose the off path
i broke the cardinal rule
i brought someone home from rehab
i taught him how to play with needles
i taught him how to be open to sexual adventures
he was my F. and i was his Beautiful Loser
i found true love, you found how to play it safe
sure, we could have been different
you could have covered for the strawberry burns
you could have told her to shut her mouth
but you led the intervention
when you were my favorite party friend
maybe you were my only real party friend
maybe you thought you were giving me a second life
a second chance, that you never got and always wanted
we didn't talk while i was away
i was too mad
too in love
too many too's to even digress into here
i know we never really got over it
we never really got over anything
and now its five years later
and the heart attacks hit
and your still smoking
and your still eating
lots of those three pound sandwiches
and your not dead
maybe it's just asthma
but i say let the heart attack hit
does that make me so bad?
they say it fades if you let it
is it like your heart?
is their just no more blood to flow?
are you tired of the mundane life?
you still take off every year for your temporary child.
you still know i am who i am, don't you?
most days, you act like i don't exist
do you know the truth?
do you just not care?
i was always your favorite
& now you talk more to my boyfriend than me
& now i cant even have a conversation with you
you were my only real friend
the others? they could go fuck off
they never got it and had half a brain anyway
they were all superficial w/ their stupid looks & their stupid comments
& their stupid fucking way of living
why did you do that to me anyway? after all we were through?
why did you settle? were you afraid of being old and lonely? it doesnt make sense,
death comes so fast
it's creeping up on you
so they say
to scare their sons and daughters
and mom and dad didnt visit
and i wonder whatll happen when my veins collapse
no one knows its happening
i'll be gone soon enough
this isn't a pity party
it's the truth
b. knows
he knows and loves me enough to keep it to himself
i'm forever grateful
forever thankful
when i want to be locked away
he never lets it happen
he's made the promise since day one
and even when the madness comes
he helps it pass
he's my buddha
i'll never be in a mental institution again
and for that, i'm forever thankful
he knows about the collapsed veins
he was there when it happened
he knows this will kill me
and he knows that i'm ready
but is he?
you see.
every time i close my eyes after a shot i hope it's a hot one
then i take it back
because i want just a few more minutes with b.
and i hope if mines hot, his is hot too
so we go into the afterlife together
and if it's never a hot one
i hope we grow old
skin and bones
all shit and decrepited
or maybe well be on the porch lke we always dreamed
looking back
wondering where it all went wrong
or where it all went wrong
you know, that tint of nostalgia that comes along with age
and knowledge
and it all
i hope if yr not taken along with me for this ride we cal life
you never settle like the one who betrayed
and instead,
always find what yr really looking for
because yr the only one ive ever met who really deserves the best
and here i go again
im nodding way too hard for this nonsense,
ill never read this one again
(i can see where the reaper will be, he'll be here soon enough if he hasn't already)
say hello to the angels for me, for i'll be just dirt in a box in a cage underground and you'll be floating away...hopefully anyway
thanks great betrayal
go fuck yourself with you and your heart attack.
go fuck yourself because yeah, i'm mad
yeah i'm sad
but hey
maybe it's just another asthma attack
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