dear gravity and chance :

you have your rules. you exterminate all irrations. you see things clearly.
you see the larger scheme. teach me your ways.
jealousy will not be my education of choice anymore.
do as you will - all of you - i am not judging, i am no longer worrying. it's only human nature anyway . . . silly me for forgetting these thoughts ! so rarely do i see with such clarity. for i became the woman - just like most women - who cannot forget, who cannot stop comparing. cohen said CONNECT NOTHING. i am doing so. here is a brief reminder to myself:

i am in the right place.
everything is accordingly.
let the particles in the air float my to where my next adventure will be. if you are there, any of you, let it be natural. NO FORCE-FEEDING. where is god through all of this though ? he's turned his back on me again.
i reach out he turns further...this must be the cycle perhaps.

it doesn't matter anyway.

so, to the laws of gravity and chance, help me float freely...take me the Way....and so that will bethat. the end !

EX#1://PROCESSING FORGOTTEN THINGS & RARITIES

NOTES
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://1)

gone gone gone and i am all alone again left wrapped up in my books
and i am the weeping willow in this maddening wind & i am your favorite
sad song stuck on repeat & i have cracked spider legs which are trying to
build, just one last time, the most eloquent of all webs but now ---
the shark has come and bitten away at my very own heart ! for the
sake of his thirst - can i blame him ? or is this in
our nature ?

SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://2)

i sit & wonder (is this all rotting my brain) . . .
where did the mountains go ? and the blue moon? and the ocean too ? i cant even get there without being hassled by the cops anymore & i just want to gaze at the ocean
yet i am left with the birds chirping at my windows while death bites at my ankles, slowly but surely, yet i cannot stop thinking why are we doing this to ourselves ? what did our grandfathers expect? where has chief joseph hidden ? where are the gods who created this ghost dance ? why did america win anyway? seperation i suppose but why so soon?


(FOOD FOR THOUGHT)

call me roger chillingworth, if you must.

I WANT TO SINK IN YOUR BONES
WHERE DID YOU GO
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME LOVE
WAS IT ALL FRAUD
YOU AREN'T HAPPY?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
YOU've NEVER HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
HELP ME -
IM AT A LOSS WITH WORDS
YET
I CANT RUIN THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE ME
or do.?
WAS IT ALL JUST A GAME?

two(-)

(probably 2001)

i remember a time in which i loved through burning cigarettes & painful goodbyes.
I have memories of a place i have never been, w/ a boy i never knew, out in the west where selling jam was rough & having an alcoholic for a husband was no better. but still it was love &


---

ii.

why do we pollute this airspace w/ unconvinent apathetic smiles, lost struggling souls, and wasted breaths? why do we continue to move when there is no difference being made, every person can be replaced and no life exists? we sit, in this small space w/ wasted minds, w/ voids unfilled, w/ a knot in our stomach

we SIT IN MISERY, WHY

why do we keep going on when things are useless

bilanz selbstmord

it is true, you know.
my experiments have come about in a moment of desperation, for my life has become an assessment - a balance sheet so to speak...this too shall pass.




a balance sheet - so to speak - weighing in the most rational (& awakened) state of mind to attempt to conquer my last chance left at what is known as life.

you've made me want to be a saint.
you've made me want to be a savior.
you've made me want to fuck a saint, or perhaps, my very own savior.
does this make sense? are you my angel??
have you conquered the misconceptions? will you let me borrow yr eyes?
perhaps just yr ears.
prove this wrong.
my theories, that is.
i have wanted & yearned for my very own bukowski to play savior, & now; i have found this bellyed out rotted soul & i am afraid my mind is not great enough to conquer it - has his conquered minde?
am i admitting defeat?
did i choose this path?
where are my goals?
where are my eyes?
my ears are still here.
my mind is mashed up - a composite of every1 i have ever met . . . will it heal? are there secret compartments? can i decipher the others ideas from my own? if i can do this than my writings will be complete...
i must narrate for them to persuade the savior role.
or perhaps, just go back to my balance sheet . . .

TRUE OR FALSE : (SIN & SEXUALITY IN LITERATURE)

ATTN: PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS IN A TRUE / FALSE MANOR. DEVELOPING ANSWERS IS UNNECESSARY (or is it?)

T/F:


1. THE MORE STRAIN PLACED ON HUMAN NATURE THE MORE PERVERSE THE OUTCOME.

2. WHEN IN LOVE, THE HAND OF PROVIDENCE WILL BE ON YOUR SIDE.

3. THERE IS A LOSS OF ROME IN TODAYS SOCIETY.

4. DEATH IS AN INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCE WHEN REGARDING FORBIDDEN LOVE.

5. "THERE IS NO GREATER PAIN THAN TO REMEMBER, IN OUR PRESENT GRIEF, PAST HAPPINESS."

6. SEX CONTAMINATES THE SPIRITUAL PART OF LOVE.

7. PUNISHMENT IS NOT RANDOM; ALL HAS REASON BEHIND THE PUNISHMENT.

8. "RESURRECTION OF THE FLESH" IS A DOUBLE ENTANDRA.

9. SEXUALITY IS A PART OF HUMAN NATURE.

10. THE MORE STRAIN PLACED ON NUTURING SOMEONE, THE MORE PERVERSE THE OUTCOME.

11. DECEPTION (DELIBERATELY TWISTING ONES INTELLECT OR REASON) IS WHAT SEPARATES MAN FROM ALL OTHER SPECIES.

12. THE MORE DEVIATION AND PERVERSON OF YOUR DEVIANCE AND REASONING, THE WORST THE SIN.

13. IF YOU MUST COMMIT THE SIN OF ADULTERY / SEXUALITY / LUST, BE SUCCESSFUL WITH IT AND CLEVER.

14. MONOGOMY FOR A LIFETIME IS NOT NATURAL.

15. RELATIONSHIPS ARE MISERY UNLESS YOU HAVE THE CONTROL AND POWER.