today is one of those days where i can’t rememner any form of happiness and it sucks . i try to think of memories to make me happy or a gratitude list or all the dumb things i’ve learned but it doesn’t work

when you are bored you are bored

you can either become widly successful or completely miserable i was told once. i took my hiatus but now im back.

sitting in mexico in a five star resort, where people are paid to say hola, and fold your laundry, and make you meals with names you cannot pronounce, i couldn't help but recall the DFW article about cruise ships. i couldnt help but wonder if ill never feel pleasure again. I suffer from some serious anhedonia and i wish all the smiles in the world could help it go away. by the end a few smiles came about, through a lot of walking and a lot of rest, but just as quickly as they came they left the moment i hit NY again. missing many things, its hard. dfw said it best. on a side note, its twisted but i am fairly convinced this isnt my reality / im dead already / im stuck in some other dimension, id get help but thats a lot of work





https://harpers.org/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/HarpersMagazine-1996-01-0007859.pdf