why i love you

you don't mind my baby voice
or baby moods
or helping me get through being sick

and you'll help me by playing doctor
and giving me my medicine
and even using tweezers
and pluckpluckpluck
and

you let me sing in a terrible voice
and tell me im not tone deaf
and you sold yr drums for me

we don't fuck anymore
because we live like plants
and we have realized
the true meaning of it all

take away the sex and see how a relationship is
kind of amazing in all honesty

everyones infatuated with sex
or maybe obsessed
its everyones vice
and i feel a little bad

imagine something
better than sex
better than blood
better than breaths

and thats
why i love you

a lovely lovely day with a lovely lovely man and lets get married maybe and sail the ocean and listen to old songs and sing happy songs too and have no words because love makes me numb sometimes anyway
just like my icepops and other treats too and anyways as you sit scraping each bag to be a careful clever man your such a handsome sexy man and anyway lets call me vain based on the fuck me booties and the cutie leggings too and oversized sweater and you told me that yet again im a trendsetter as NPR said it best casual chic slouchy pants and a basic sweater my styles always in baby im a classic yet a mess im a fuckhead like jesus son and anyway lets get married maybe cause my words are mushy as i just think instead of anything else.

but on the reals
yr words dont go to mush when yr high or in love, yr words get better, you just get better at not sharing em except w/ yr love

iLYSm<3 get="" got="" it="" p="">

i'm an evil little thing because i like you best crying on yr knees
see you never did anything wrong
but love me
and if i cant love me, you cant love me
/hate

the conversation

it started like this:
a quick wit from a little bitch before a slap on the wrist
or maybe it was the crook of the elbow
and it always fails but you never fail
and so i blame you:
see you crumble in front of me
watch you fall on yr face
watch the tears from those lucifer eyes
all to make me have a glimpse of a smile
maybe i'm too evil for my own good
maybe i need a new heart, well the valves aren't working too good
maybe i need some new vains, how about ones that can take the reign

i just want the rush...

maybe i'll drift on until the days come where we are old and we are skin & bones & shit & dying & drool & in nursing homes or maybe i'll drift on until we sit together
on a patio
thinking of all the days
all the things
we could have done
instead of the things
we did do


i have no regrets
just make sure you love me
make sure im always yr princess
make sure im alwys yr junk box
make sure im always yr genius
make sure im always doing experiments
make sure i always have a rotted soul
make sure yr always my lucifer
make sure yr always my saint
tall saint
ill do it all for you

i know we will grow old
it'll always be lovely still like this, right

i think of you tonight frank o'hara
and i'm sorry
i couldn't appreciate new york city the way you did
i couldn't appreciate anything the way you did, really
and tonight i'm sorry because i'm sad and i'm lonely
and i want someone to come along with beautiful soul
to lift me up and make me smile
and i wait for you


why are you always hiding

http://youtu.be/BYIDUvAtiGc

i'm the song in the beggining & im the song at the end
except ill always be a fisher price kinda girl

guilt makes it hard to swalllow & feel the back of my throat
closing in
make it end

i am the one
all quiet eyed staring at the boy i used to know
listening to sad songs thinking of sadder things
and you always say my life was so sad
im yr fav sad song to play on repeat all day
im yr fav torn sweater and yr favorite cliche
im the girl who got reality handed to her too young
i mean with all the things unspoken of
and im the girl who matured too quick
and im the one listening to instrumentals
and im the one who grew up and became cool
and it was a weird adjustment:
crooked teeth known & chicken legs
a pretty young thing probably never missed
or maybe always missed by all the wrong people
like the one who told me i couldn't pay him to read a book
then bought a tupac one...
anyway.
im the saw played in any old song
something kind of clever but you'll forget about once
the shows over
and im the silly gaps in time where you think of someone
only for a brief moment
to say, some brief words that don't matter
i'm the novelty item that you don't let go of
i'm the one who found happiness inside a pilljar
i'm the fisher price clock stuck on a math problem
inside my head

if only i was yr muse & you wrote the novel more
or maybe you let me write
if only we still were fucking
instead of sleeping
and painting
instead of watching
if only things went a little bit different

maybe next time we wake up we'll change it up a bit

fighting codependence-yyyyyyy?

you put it in the tape deck
translation: too sick to see you
me: i'm alright & that's fine anyway
who needs conversation?

maybe all i need is a shot in the arm - wilco

sometimes i start to get clarity again
so i reach for the next shot
because at first the nostalgia is good
then it gets to be too much to handle
i think,
did i do this all wrong?
was i so ahead of myself i was so far behind?
have i changed that much?

i know most people sleep on these things but fuck
i love to get hyper and dance around in my undies
fuck you
i like to also clean,
sing real loud
contemplate our deaths
think even more about death
try to turn myself blue with infinite amounts of dope
because i mean really
who can afford $1500 in a weekend right up the arm besides us baby?
we're greater than life
and even when we are broke we figure it out
your so dreamy
and i love your paints
and i want to swim in them
and you used to like my words
then you stopped encouraging them
to do your own
so they faded and now i just ramble
i'm lost without my hope from you
&....you don't even know it
you never even tried to really read
you never looked in my books at my words
you think its all somewhere on a computer when its scribbled in books
fuck do you even know me?
you make me contemplate everything
fuck, i need another shot
helps

it was 24 hours of hell then 72 hours of bliss & we better cop again or i'm not ready for the miss

this will be deleted when i know hypothetically  youll never see this anyway screwyouiloveyoubye

he stays awake
making sure i breathe
and sometimes he checks my nose
he makes sure i never turn blue

but i'm as clear and blue as far as i can see

things youd never know about

broken blood vessels flying like confetti outta yr arm or having to tie down tighter or cotton shots or what about skin pop shots just because you cant fucking hit anything


its not a fun game yet everyone on the outside sits and admiers it, fuck i know i did


guess i'm the lucky one

bright eyes

any sexual partner gets a bright eyes song for themselves

i wonder how you'd feel about yours

to my brother, hey fuck you man

the heart attack

we weren't exactly children, but not adults either
our parents, they did their best but never really knew how to love enough
just fuck enough
in between, long intervals, of an empty marriage
filled with empty love and voids filled with bad advice
but they always said they tried their hardest
even when i had a heroin addict father who would cook up meth
(sure, let's call him the chef)
and the chef married the one who loves the bud
yet the bud bloomed into a lover of the word
and the chef got clean
and the bud bloomed, furthering her love for the word
of christ
and yet somehow somewhere along the lines
between the pages
between the drugs
between the fucks
they had children
w/ long intervals of years between each
and yet somehow
me and you
we conquered the statistics
and somehow became the best friends
the best of party friends, the best of life friends, and ultimately
you were the adult figure i always wanted and never had

but then came the downfall
the betrayal....
to the one who betrayed who i thought never would:
i really thought i entered the afterlife from then on
was it all a dream?
is bobby my afterlife? did i make it to heaven?
is that why the heroin never stops flowing?
i talk to bobby about it sometime:
maybe we are both here, in the afterlife, together, finally
because earth wasn't quite right and they sent us off
like we were on a ship to a new great land to conquer

but instead of the conquer, we just adjusted
kind of like those wristcutters
we just stayed stagnant
and it was okay
even though we always said evolving was the only way
we'd want to even be alive
without the evolve, we'd rather be dead
so here we are dead
but if this is death, and love means death, then we're doing okay, right?
i guess that's the best part of adjusting, am i right?
i know youll be my second great betrayal, but this time i'm ready.

you see i wasn't ready for my first
no, not my first lover, no my first and only brother
my one and only real betrayal
maybe i can thank you for that one day, that's what you say right?
no crying allowed right?
was never good enough to write, right?
not a good enough painter either
but brother:
you told it like it was
you got me to the point
where i guess i needed to be
and then like that,
you vanished

you and me, we'd never go at those lines again
we'd never drink until we couldn't stand at the local pub
we'd never hide under the post office's covering in the freezing cold
laughing our asses off
calling everyone fuck heads
because it's true, they were fuck heads
and it's true, they never mattered anyways
we had each other and it didn't matter
we could have conquered the world if you didn't fuck shit up
(we could have at least had the lines flow a little longer)
we could have at least laughed a little longer

there's a lot more to this and a lot of no more's
and i guess a lot of unheard thank you's i never delivered
remember,
kicking the shit outta people for me?
always making sure the guys i brought home were worthy of me?
saving me with a nice bag of blow the night i was raped?
saving me time and time again with even more powder?
saving me from all the times i could have been caught
but then, when i was caught
you threw me right under the bus
you pretended all those nights never happened
you acted like i never existed
that's the last night i felt alive.

you wouldn't save me from the sex
you wouldn't save me from the concussions
you wouldn't drag the little shits who did it into a van ever again
you wouldn't talk about your cool little sister
but instead
sit at a bar
crying to strangers about a child that wasn't yours
and crying about your sister who became a junk box
you threw yourself pity parties
like it was all about you
was that all you were there for? are you done playing savior now?

i didn't need any favors, i didnt want any of that
i just want my best friend back

remember when i confided in you?
i told you i had a problem with the pins
and you told me your girlfriend had it worst and i'd get on with it
and you were right, i would have gotten on with it
except you sold me down the river
instead of getting on w/ it
i got stuck in this disease mold
that doesn't even exist
and then i got stuck in this choice mold
which doesn't exist either
see everyone:
it's a little bit of both.
you have the choice until it gets too bad
until you don't get high
until instead of being high you just feel normal
like a plant with water
like a diabetic with insulin
like a drug addict with their junk
it's all the same you see
eventually anyway.


but i digress:

nowadays, you forgot about me
you see,
you flushed me down the toilet
like your old favorite golfish
except i never really was the gold opus baby, now was i?
you forgot about those days of me pretending to be your kid
so you could pick up girls, didnt you?
you forgot about teaching me how to be just like blondie
you forgot teaching me how to write poetry since i was age four
well i can't do it now anyway so fuck you
and fuck you for making sure you were always better

and did you forget about teaching me about art?
colored markers that changed colors:
guns
a rose
some skulls
a piano
a bandana
and hello axl rose, there you are my love, in grade 2
and i had those cool markers and id drawer it all over my books
getting in trouble from an early age
headbanging because all the cool girls knew how
teaching me to grow up like bondie, never giving a fuck
playing these experiments on these dumbasses
because nothing really mattered
a first grader
having existential crises
questioning the bible
wondering about sex
wondering about drugs
wondering about afterlife
all because you put those thoughts in my head

and then, we both moved on...
you:

too many loveless relationships, so you settled
you learned, leaned into a new relationship
you even took my anniversary date
(yours was much later fyi)
june 25 will always be mine
you played it safe:
you chose a nice girl.
a safe one, a sane one
because it's what you needed
(it's what i needed too, really)
but i'll never sell out

me:
i chose the off path
i broke the cardinal rule
i brought someone home from rehab
i taught him how to play with needles
i taught him how to be open to sexual adventures
he was my F. and i was his Beautiful Loser
i found true love, you found how to play it safe

sure, we could have been different
you could have covered for the strawberry burns
you could have told her to shut her mouth
but you led the intervention
when you were my favorite party friend
maybe you were my only real party friend
maybe you thought you were giving me a second life
a second chance, that you never got and always wanted
we didn't talk while i was away
i was too mad
too in love
too many too's to even digress into here

i know we never really got over it
we never really got over anything

and now its five years later
and the heart attacks hit
and your still smoking
and your still eating
lots of those three pound sandwiches
and your not dead
maybe it's just asthma
but i say let the heart attack hit
does that make me so bad?

they say it fades if you let it
is it like your heart?
is their just no more blood to flow?
are you tired of the mundane life?
you still take off every year for your temporary child.
you still know i am who i am, don't you?

most days, you act like i don't exist
do you know the truth?
do you just not care?
i was always your favorite
& now you talk more to my boyfriend than me
& now i cant even have a conversation with you
you were my only real friend
the others? they could go fuck off
they never got it and had half a brain anyway
they were all superficial w/ their stupid looks & their stupid comments
& their stupid fucking way of living

why did you do that to me anyway? after all we were through?
why did you settle? were you afraid of being old and lonely? it doesnt make sense,
death comes so fast
it's creeping up on you
so they say
to scare their sons and daughters
and mom and dad didnt visit
and i wonder whatll happen when my veins collapse
no one knows its happening

i'll be gone soon enough
this isn't a pity party
it's the truth
b. knows
he knows and loves me enough to keep it to himself
i'm forever grateful
forever thankful

when i want to be locked away
he never lets it happen
he's made the promise since day one
and even when the madness comes
he helps it pass
he's my buddha
i'll never be in a mental institution again
and for that, i'm forever thankful

he knows about the collapsed veins
he was there when it happened
he knows this will kill me
and he knows that i'm ready
but is he?

you see.
every time i close my eyes after a shot i hope it's a hot one
then i take it back
because i want just a few more minutes with b.
and i hope if mines hot, his is hot too
so we go into the afterlife together
and if it's never a hot one
i hope we grow old
skin and bones
all shit and decrepited
or maybe well be on the porch lke we always dreamed
looking back
wondering where it all went wrong
or where it all went wrong
you know, that tint of nostalgia that comes along with age
and knowledge
and it all
i hope if yr not taken along with me for this ride we cal life
you never settle like the one who betrayed
and instead,
always find what yr really looking for
because yr the only one ive ever met who really deserves the best

and here i go again
im nodding way too hard for this nonsense,
ill never read this one again
(i can see where the reaper will be, he'll be here soon enough if he hasn't already)

say hello to the angels for me, for i'll be just dirt in a box in a cage underground and you'll be floating away...hopefully anyway

thanks great betrayal
go fuck yourself with you and your heart attack.
go fuck yourself because yeah, i'm mad
yeah i'm sad
but hey
maybe it's just another asthma attack

2.5 hours
maybe ill just sit scraping bags until you get home

----
i'm listening to the song unemployed boyfriend and it reminds me of james and i giggle because he used to say id have his babies

boy i cant even have babies
----
2 hours
and we just spoke,
and i told you of the lonliness
and asked you how you did it
and you said it's lonely man
and i said your telling me ! i count the hours and wait
and wait some more
and then you call and im excited for a glimpse in time
and you said, yeah that's codependency for ya

YAY CODEPENDENCY, YAY.

no wait, the title of YR book will be CODEPENDENCe
because we decided together
and isnt that adorable
this book is going to fly
and im going to probably be bitter its not mine but instead my story written
maybe ill write the other part of it
and i look up the definiton, and i quote wikki


odependency is defined as a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (typicallynarcissism or drug addiction); and in broader terms, it refers to the dependence on the needs of, or control of, another.^[1] It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.^[2] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.^[2] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.^[2] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.


and we laugh hard because ts a long ways to the BANK !

without you
i wouldnt get high because im too lazy to even take a shot
i wouldnt ever eat because im too lazy to even make myself food
i wouldnt ever get up because theres just no point
i wouldnt ever fuck because no ones as fun as you
i wouldnt ever give head again because you're the only fun one
and im so in love with you
my little asshole

and im your narcissitic demon
and without me you woulda been too scared to ever take a shot
you would probably still eat because yr a stoner (Gross ! as us dpoefiends like to say)
you wouldnt ever get up because thers no point to this existence
you wouldnt ever fuck because you've got a hand
and if you got a beej itd probably be from hooker you could degrade
and yr so in love with me
your raging little cunt

isnt that a cute little way to look at things

first there was c and i cheated on him
and then there was j and he beat the shit out of me
and then there was v and he treated me nicely, just a little too sane, only tried cocaine once and was a c.o.
and
i could never go that route...

then there was all the j's i had crushes on
and then there was the other j who was a bit crooked but my favorite
not that j or that j or that j or that j...another j.
the one who told me i was bella
and the one who i saw the aurora borealis with
and we went to iceland too
and we would push our children on the swings
and we talked conspiracies
oh but it was all a dream

and then reality hit
like a smack in the face
and there was you
oh bobby

closing my eyes dreaming of you&me
get me out of this nightmare

the
loneliness, it is a strange thing.
i wonder how so many of you just live alone
how do you do it?

i used to prefer to be alone
now i can't stand it
is this what love does or just codependency?

I remember...

"im sleeping with lucifer . i used to get off to satan. they appear on the outside to be the same: the beautiful angel damned to hell & then there's satan, the one whose evil wreaks like oil leaking out of yr old cadilliac."

Remember fucking everyone over from home and running away together?
remember not needing friends?
remember those blue eyes that other girls are always oozing over & i'm just used to?

we never ask ourselves about these things anymore, oh well

and sometimes i smile and you ask me why and im usually remembering the story of us falling in love because bobby, its really one for the books. 
won't you write me a book already? (i keep asking you but maybe it should be the other way around. yr just a better writer and fuck you for that one)


and remember strawberry burns theyll go away soon enough
or well just be buried with collapsed veins, right?

sometimes i still miss you because you were never fully here
and sometimes, no all the time, i know it's for the best, 'cause see...
my life was never supposed to be normal (yes, yr normal for me...)

and that's a compliment. for real.
i truly want to have that. i truly truly do.
i want to dream up adventures of out west

or anywhere, really
& i want to write haikus again and sing silly songs & know how to just feel
i mean really fucking feel and not be scared to feel

i want to be able to sink my teeth into a collarbone and get wet in my crotch
i want to drop to my knees and feel that rush of blood to the head
i want to feel yr hipbones clank into mind just for a fucking laugh

but there's something that's so much better, do you get it now?
he hits all the right spots and never collapses a vein
i'm flying the darkened seas before i even open my eyes - everyday
every fucking day
------
it's like this:
being dopesick every single day just to know another shot will come in due time is still worth it compared to playing w/ falsities and trying to cover up memories of times that were shitty, like when i was dreaming of out west & so sad sad sad & see, i'd rather feel nothing because the fog....the fogs been gone for a long time. i don't think the fog will ever come back.

what is the fog you ask? love is like a fog buk once said...where it burns with the first daylight of reality.

i've had that. and now i think, i really think hell i love this man and if i ever had another one, or two, or ten, i wouldn't even give a fuck who they were because i've felt what i needed to feel in my life.

i've felt so much with you that i feel like crying

how many stick around after you lay in bed not moving for two weeks?
how many stick around after you rat everything out & try to blow it all up just for another go?
how many stick around after you have a psychotic sister, an ocd mother, and a father dying

you just don't and he did and he's a good man and ill love him forever and ever for that.
most woulda never been fully there, you see/
the only thing i will ever miss...
is the witty fucking banter

it's all faded at this point in time now. sometimes i even ask for it...it never comes.
i miss the writing, because you always discouraged me and never thought i was that good.
ive never told a soul that one
maybe yr just the only honest one
as i listen to oh! sweet nothing,
i guess...
without the writing i've been okay for years.
sometimes i sneak it & you tell me
why wouldnt you show me ! i love you writing !
(NO you dont)
"its like me painting in the dark! im going to paint in the dark at 2 am and see what you think of that"
(ILL THINK NOTHING)
you took my dreams and made them into sweet nuthin'

maybe that was me?
----

so if you wonder ever, which you don't, why i don't write, why i don't care, it's because i'm just skin & bones with a broken false tooth & not even crooked & a space in between and anyways i guess what i'm coming t try to say is for the first time i know what it's really like to

be
there
when
the
love
has
faded


and when yr left with your motherfucking best friend
you have NO right to complain you see...
how lucky am i that i even have a friend in this scenario?
we could be like mom & pops & fight on the regular
but we don't fight. you even calm the rage for christ sake.


I think i'd like our wedding song to be oh! sweet nothing
do you get it yet?
it's all about the oh's...the nothingness...the 0's and the o's and the emptiness
that's what life has become
but i shoot up & i get away & life is beautiful again & i write the haikus and poems in my head that no one will ever read because no one ever liked them anyways
this isnt a pity party its just real emotion that will maybe never happen again

i mean should it?
sometimes on here, i write like i'm talking to you. not you, the other you. the one i never cared about anyway. i just liked that you pretended to like my poems to get in my pants / me in yr pants. does that make me so bad?
you coulda been like my crooked boyfriend and i mean he was amazing, he really did motivate me but in a different way. he never read all the writings, he couldn't play the haiku game, he just said that's gerat lizzy ! ur the most beautiful girl lizzy! ill go straight for you lizzy! (except you see, it all makes sense after i've been in real true love that fades and you got nothin' at all. you don't give a fuck anymore, you'll fuck / date / whatever anything. anythings beautiful. anythings however you want it to be when yr just walking through life like skin & bones)


sometimes the love i think faded because i let it
but sometimes it creeps in when we make eye contact and my glasses are off
and sometimes it comes back for those few minutes after i get a shot and i feel everything and see colors again
(i dont notice anything nowadays and its not the dope its the fade of true love and anyways its sad but its reality, and ill probably never move from home because when i do i'm not happy

sometimes i skip through thoughts like i skipped through men
and now five years are coming up and i think who the fuck am i and will this ever change
i guess because we lived together
everyday ill fall in love
and everynight ill fall apart
(sometimes i secretly wish you'd have an affair already)
but most the thyme i dont want that to ever happen
because i do love you
and i love the heroin flowing to my brain
and i love to fade in
just like we faded out

what can i say?
i'm a spoiled little bitch.
i have love & i have a best friend but
all this time
i was happy with writing - i really was
i didn't care if i was good or bad i just was happy with my own thoughts
and now, i count the seconds and moments til yr home
here in my arms laying watching tv rotting our brains eating junk food not dressed up but in pjs maybe even doing do it yourself projects, doing things we always said we'd never do
funny how that happens with age no?
and now, anyways, writings not happy with me and i don't care for it much anyways cause heroin tells me it loves me more than any man or words in my mushy motherfucking brain ever could and maybe that's just a lie i'll always tell myself anyways


ONCE UPON A TIME I WROTE:
"things are balanced here which may or may not be good for me. soon enough i will leave, as i always do, but instead it is not on my terms this time. i'll head off back to my world as will you & i'll miss yr charming cap & suit jacket & yr brightening smile & this day dream we have lined with a semi-clear conscious & mind will soon enough rewind to a time in history where a scabbie point injected straight to my vain was good enough for little ol' me."

isnt that funny considering i took you home with me and we became two little junkbox sitting in a pillbox k-i-s-s-i-n-g----just trying to get by in little long island hehe
hehehahahahahahahahamotherfuckers, you are so stupid if yr still reading this youll never know the truth
i mean when I say shit its unconditional, this shit is motherfucking unconditional

i told you you were my saint but perhaps we've been each others all along . i mean when i say true love this shit is true fucking love . i don't know how we got to this point . maybe 

i mean when i told you this love was unconditional, it was motherfucking unconditional
you get it yet
because i dont
thanks for the rant "BLOG"w hat does a blog even mean
as if i was 12 again...

THE END

so what if i'm a fame whore

watch me turn blue