sometimes i still miss you because you were never fully here
and sometimes, no all the time, i know it's for the best, 'cause see...
my life was never supposed to be normal (yes, yr normal for me...)

and that's a compliment. for real.
i truly want to have that. i truly truly do.
i want to dream up adventures of out west

or anywhere, really
& i want to write haikus again and sing silly songs & know how to just feel
i mean really fucking feel and not be scared to feel

i want to be able to sink my teeth into a collarbone and get wet in my crotch
i want to drop to my knees and feel that rush of blood to the head
i want to feel yr hipbones clank into mind just for a fucking laugh

but there's something that's so much better, do you get it now?
he hits all the right spots and never collapses a vein
i'm flying the darkened seas before i even open my eyes - everyday
every fucking day
------
it's like this:
being dopesick every single day just to know another shot will come in due time is still worth it compared to playing w/ falsities and trying to cover up memories of times that were shitty, like when i was dreaming of out west & so sad sad sad & see, i'd rather feel nothing because the fog....the fogs been gone for a long time. i don't think the fog will ever come back.

what is the fog you ask? love is like a fog buk once said...where it burns with the first daylight of reality.

i've had that. and now i think, i really think hell i love this man and if i ever had another one, or two, or ten, i wouldn't even give a fuck who they were because i've felt what i needed to feel in my life.

i've felt so much with you that i feel like crying

how many stick around after you lay in bed not moving for two weeks?
how many stick around after you rat everything out & try to blow it all up just for another go?
how many stick around after you have a psychotic sister, an ocd mother, and a father dying

you just don't and he did and he's a good man and ill love him forever and ever for that.
most woulda never been fully there, you see/
the only thing i will ever miss...
is the witty fucking banter

it's all faded at this point in time now. sometimes i even ask for it...it never comes.
i miss the writing, because you always discouraged me and never thought i was that good.
ive never told a soul that one
maybe yr just the only honest one
as i listen to oh! sweet nothing,
i guess...
without the writing i've been okay for years.
sometimes i sneak it & you tell me
why wouldnt you show me ! i love you writing !
(NO you dont)
"its like me painting in the dark! im going to paint in the dark at 2 am and see what you think of that"
(ILL THINK NOTHING)
you took my dreams and made them into sweet nuthin'

maybe that was me?
----

so if you wonder ever, which you don't, why i don't write, why i don't care, it's because i'm just skin & bones with a broken false tooth & not even crooked & a space in between and anyways i guess what i'm coming t try to say is for the first time i know what it's really like to

be
there
when
the
love
has
faded


and when yr left with your motherfucking best friend
you have NO right to complain you see...
how lucky am i that i even have a friend in this scenario?
we could be like mom & pops & fight on the regular
but we don't fight. you even calm the rage for christ sake.


I think i'd like our wedding song to be oh! sweet nothing
do you get it yet?
it's all about the oh's...the nothingness...the 0's and the o's and the emptiness
that's what life has become
but i shoot up & i get away & life is beautiful again & i write the haikus and poems in my head that no one will ever read because no one ever liked them anyways
this isnt a pity party its just real emotion that will maybe never happen again

i mean should it?
sometimes on here, i write like i'm talking to you. not you, the other you. the one i never cared about anyway. i just liked that you pretended to like my poems to get in my pants / me in yr pants. does that make me so bad?
you coulda been like my crooked boyfriend and i mean he was amazing, he really did motivate me but in a different way. he never read all the writings, he couldn't play the haiku game, he just said that's gerat lizzy ! ur the most beautiful girl lizzy! ill go straight for you lizzy! (except you see, it all makes sense after i've been in real true love that fades and you got nothin' at all. you don't give a fuck anymore, you'll fuck / date / whatever anything. anythings beautiful. anythings however you want it to be when yr just walking through life like skin & bones)


sometimes the love i think faded because i let it
but sometimes it creeps in when we make eye contact and my glasses are off
and sometimes it comes back for those few minutes after i get a shot and i feel everything and see colors again
(i dont notice anything nowadays and its not the dope its the fade of true love and anyways its sad but its reality, and ill probably never move from home because when i do i'm not happy

sometimes i skip through thoughts like i skipped through men
and now five years are coming up and i think who the fuck am i and will this ever change
i guess because we lived together
everyday ill fall in love
and everynight ill fall apart
(sometimes i secretly wish you'd have an affair already)
but most the thyme i dont want that to ever happen
because i do love you
and i love the heroin flowing to my brain
and i love to fade in
just like we faded out

what can i say?
i'm a spoiled little bitch.
i have love & i have a best friend but
all this time
i was happy with writing - i really was
i didn't care if i was good or bad i just was happy with my own thoughts
and now, i count the seconds and moments til yr home
here in my arms laying watching tv rotting our brains eating junk food not dressed up but in pjs maybe even doing do it yourself projects, doing things we always said we'd never do
funny how that happens with age no?
and now, anyways, writings not happy with me and i don't care for it much anyways cause heroin tells me it loves me more than any man or words in my mushy motherfucking brain ever could and maybe that's just a lie i'll always tell myself anyways


ONCE UPON A TIME I WROTE:
"things are balanced here which may or may not be good for me. soon enough i will leave, as i always do, but instead it is not on my terms this time. i'll head off back to my world as will you & i'll miss yr charming cap & suit jacket & yr brightening smile & this day dream we have lined with a semi-clear conscious & mind will soon enough rewind to a time in history where a scabbie point injected straight to my vain was good enough for little ol' me."

isnt that funny considering i took you home with me and we became two little junkbox sitting in a pillbox k-i-s-s-i-n-g----just trying to get by in little long island hehe
hehehahahahahahahahamotherfuckers, you are so stupid if yr still reading this youll never know the truth
i mean when I say shit its unconditional, this shit is motherfucking unconditional

i told you you were my saint but perhaps we've been each others all along . i mean when i say true love this shit is true fucking love . i don't know how we got to this point . maybe 

i mean when i told you this love was unconditional, it was motherfucking unconditional
you get it yet
because i dont
thanks for the rant "BLOG"w hat does a blog even mean
as if i was 12 again...

THE END