12.18.2008
11.26.2008
< 0 UTD8ED:// PARANOIA OFTEN MEANS ACCURACY.
Note: Perhaps things become outdated when truisms are set into place & falsities are let out. OLD && OUTDATED; A NICE REMINDER OF THE FALSITIES IN LIFE :
EX#2://WRAPPING ONESELF UP IN COMMODITIES
continually, i chain smoke my marlboro reds covering myself in dust & ashes while i wrap myself up in hilighted note filled battered books & unravel my mind...& i am stargazing, fiending for my better days - those days before you drifted away - or perhaps; those days where your good parts stayed. & i don't know whether to be glad or sad, you do it in the most gentlest of ways...and this very emotion is what wears my tired soul down. (tom set's in oh he's a singing & oh he's a swaying: i don't think you'll come around here no more...)
god fucking damn it ! its yr blonde hair that i want to be wrapped up in ! not the books, not the lies && the pills that have brought our portions down so much. the dinosaurs are here and owls are there but i just want your hair everywhere ? i'm trying the best i can saving up my quarters for rainy days (which seem to appear everyday) yet you never tried to change me so why, why did i change you my little bukowski : i should have known you held the knife all along. my little platinum blonde cotton candy king pink shirt was the last i had ever seen and now yr gone stole the stiches you healed in this heart and it feels like death is biting at my ankles again and my blue blooded nature is slowly fading away from the coldness of tonight causing my eyes to fade to grey. my platinum blonde orange candy breeding king i want to fall asleep in yr hair again but all i can think is how i'm the one you believe made the cancer set in next the pains filled in your belly onto more and more tumors please remember dear, i am not your marla singer. . . but let me tell you that on this very moment in this dark crisp feeling night that i must say, those thick sticky maple syrup dripping sap-filled eyes are still haunting me. be kind - kill it please.
EX#2://WRAPPING ONESELF UP IN COMMODITIES
continually, i chain smoke my marlboro reds covering myself in dust & ashes while i wrap myself up in hilighted note filled battered books & unravel my mind...& i am stargazing, fiending for my better days - those days before you drifted away - or perhaps; those days where your good parts stayed. & i don't know whether to be glad or sad, you do it in the most gentlest of ways...and this very emotion is what wears my tired soul down. (tom set's in oh he's a singing & oh he's a swaying: i don't think you'll come around here no more...)
god fucking damn it ! its yr blonde hair that i want to be wrapped up in ! not the books, not the lies && the pills that have brought our portions down so much. the dinosaurs are here and owls are there but i just want your hair everywhere ? i'm trying the best i can saving up my quarters for rainy days (which seem to appear everyday) yet you never tried to change me so why, why did i change you my little bukowski : i should have known you held the knife all along. my little platinum blonde cotton candy king pink shirt was the last i had ever seen and now yr gone stole the stiches you healed in this heart and it feels like death is biting at my ankles again and my blue blooded nature is slowly fading away from the coldness of tonight causing my eyes to fade to grey. my platinum blonde orange candy breeding king i want to fall asleep in yr hair again but all i can think is how i'm the one you believe made the cancer set in next the pains filled in your belly onto more and more tumors please remember dear, i am not your marla singer. . . but let me tell you that on this very moment in this dark crisp feeling night that i must say, those thick sticky maple syrup dripping sap-filled eyes are still haunting me. be kind - kill it please.
10.28.2008
dear gravity and chance :
you have your rules. you exterminate all irrations. you see things clearly.
you see the larger scheme. teach me your ways.
jealousy will not be my education of choice anymore.
do as you will - all of you - i am not judging, i am no longer worrying. it's only human nature anyway . . . silly me for forgetting these thoughts ! so rarely do i see with such clarity. for i became the woman - just like most women - who cannot forget, who cannot stop comparing. cohen said CONNECT NOTHING. i am doing so. here is a brief reminder to myself:
i am in the right place.
everything is accordingly.
let the particles in the air float my to where my next adventure will be. if you are there, any of you, let it be natural. NO FORCE-FEEDING. where is god through all of this though ? he's turned his back on me again.
i reach out he turns further...this must be the cycle perhaps.
it doesn't matter anyway.
so, to the laws of gravity and chance, help me float freely...take me the Way....and so that will bethat. the end !
you see the larger scheme. teach me your ways.
jealousy will not be my education of choice anymore.
do as you will - all of you - i am not judging, i am no longer worrying. it's only human nature anyway . . . silly me for forgetting these thoughts ! so rarely do i see with such clarity. for i became the woman - just like most women - who cannot forget, who cannot stop comparing. cohen said CONNECT NOTHING. i am doing so. here is a brief reminder to myself:
i am in the right place.
everything is accordingly.
let the particles in the air float my to where my next adventure will be. if you are there, any of you, let it be natural. NO FORCE-FEEDING. where is god through all of this though ? he's turned his back on me again.
i reach out he turns further...this must be the cycle perhaps.
it doesn't matter anyway.
so, to the laws of gravity and chance, help me float freely...take me the Way....and so that will bethat. the end !
10.27.2008
EX#1://PROCESSING FORGOTTEN THINGS & RARITIES
NOTES
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://1)
gone gone gone and i am all alone again left wrapped up in my books
and i am the weeping willow in this maddening wind & i am your favorite
sad song stuck on repeat & i have cracked spider legs which are trying to
build, just one last time, the most eloquent of all webs but now ---
the shark has come and bitten away at my very own heart ! for the
sake of his thirst - can i blame him ? or is this in
our nature ?
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://2)
i sit & wonder (is this all rotting my brain) . . .
where did the mountains go ? and the blue moon? and the ocean too ? i cant even get there without being hassled by the cops anymore & i just want to gaze at the ocean
yet i am left with the birds chirping at my windows while death bites at my ankles, slowly but surely, yet i cannot stop thinking why are we doing this to ourselves ? what did our grandfathers expect? where has chief joseph hidden ? where are the gods who created this ghost dance ? why did america win anyway? seperation i suppose but why so soon?
(FOOD FOR THOUGHT)
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://1)
gone gone gone and i am all alone again left wrapped up in my books
and i am the weeping willow in this maddening wind & i am your favorite
sad song stuck on repeat & i have cracked spider legs which are trying to
build, just one last time, the most eloquent of all webs but now ---
the shark has come and bitten away at my very own heart ! for the
sake of his thirst - can i blame him ? or is this in
our nature ?
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://2)
i sit & wonder (is this all rotting my brain) . . .
where did the mountains go ? and the blue moon? and the ocean too ? i cant even get there without being hassled by the cops anymore & i just want to gaze at the ocean
yet i am left with the birds chirping at my windows while death bites at my ankles, slowly but surely, yet i cannot stop thinking why are we doing this to ourselves ? what did our grandfathers expect? where has chief joseph hidden ? where are the gods who created this ghost dance ? why did america win anyway? seperation i suppose but why so soon?
(FOOD FOR THOUGHT)
10.24.2008
call me roger chillingworth, if you must.
I WANT TO SINK IN YOUR BONES
WHERE DID YOU GO
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME LOVE
WAS IT ALL FRAUD
YOU AREN'T HAPPY?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
YOU've NEVER HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
HELP ME -
IM AT A LOSS WITH WORDS
YET
I CANT RUIN THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE ME
or do.?
WAS IT ALL JUST A GAME?
WHERE DID YOU GO
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME LOVE
WAS IT ALL FRAUD
YOU AREN'T HAPPY?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
YOU've NEVER HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
HELP ME -
IM AT A LOSS WITH WORDS
YET
I CANT RUIN THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE ME
or do.?
WAS IT ALL JUST A GAME?
10.15.2008
two(-)
(probably 2001)
i remember a time in which i loved through burning cigarettes & painful goodbyes.
I have memories of a place i have never been, w/ a boy i never knew, out in the west where selling jam was rough & having an alcoholic for a husband was no better. but still it was love &
---
ii.
why do we pollute this airspace w/ unconvinent apathetic smiles, lost struggling souls, and wasted breaths? why do we continue to move when there is no difference being made, every person can be replaced and no life exists? we sit, in this small space w/ wasted minds, w/ voids unfilled, w/ a knot in our stomach
we SIT IN MISERY, WHY
why do we keep going on when things are useless
i remember a time in which i loved through burning cigarettes & painful goodbyes.
I have memories of a place i have never been, w/ a boy i never knew, out in the west where selling jam was rough & having an alcoholic for a husband was no better. but still it was love &
---
ii.
why do we pollute this airspace w/ unconvinent apathetic smiles, lost struggling souls, and wasted breaths? why do we continue to move when there is no difference being made, every person can be replaced and no life exists? we sit, in this small space w/ wasted minds, w/ voids unfilled, w/ a knot in our stomach
we SIT IN MISERY, WHY
why do we keep going on when things are useless
10.06.2008
bilanz selbstmord
it is true, you know.
my experiments have come about in a moment of desperation, for my life has become an assessment - a balance sheet so to speak...this too shall pass.
a balance sheet - so to speak - weighing in the most rational (& awakened) state of mind to attempt to conquer my last chance left at what is known as life.
you've made me want to be a saint.
you've made me want to be a savior.
you've made me want to fuck a saint, or perhaps, my very own savior.
does this make sense? are you my angel??
have you conquered the misconceptions? will you let me borrow yr eyes?
perhaps just yr ears.
prove this wrong.
my theories, that is.
i have wanted & yearned for my very own bukowski to play savior, & now; i have found this bellyed out rotted soul & i am afraid my mind is not great enough to conquer it - has his conquered min
am i admitting defeat?
did i choose this path?
where are my goals?
where are my eyes?
my ears are still here.
my mind is mashed up - a composite of every1 i have ever met . . . will it heal? are there secret compartments? can i decipher the others ideas from my own? if i can do this than my writings will be complete...
i must narrate for them to persuade the savior role.
or perhaps, just go back to my balance sheet . . .
10.02.2008
TRUE OR FALSE : (SIN & SEXUALITY IN LITERATURE)
ATTN: PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS IN A TRUE / FALSE MANOR. DEVELOPING ANSWERS IS UNNECESSARY (or is it?)
T/F:
1. THE MORE STRAIN PLACED ON HUMAN NATURE THE MORE PERVERSE THE OUTCOME.
2. WHEN IN LOVE, THE HAND OF PROVIDENCE WILL BE ON YOUR SIDE.
3. THERE IS A LOSS OF ROME IN TODAYS SOCIETY.
4. DEATH IS AN INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCE WHEN REGARDING FORBIDDEN LOVE.
5. "THERE IS NO GREATER PAIN THAN TO REMEMBER, IN OUR PRESENT GRIEF, PAST HAPPINESS."
6. SEX CONTAMINATES THE SPIRITUAL PART OF LOVE.
7. PUNISHMENT IS NOT RANDOM; ALL HAS REASON BEHIND THE PUNISHMENT.
8. "RESURRECTION OF THE FLESH" IS A DOUBLE ENTANDRA.
9. SEXUALITY IS A PART OF HUMAN NATURE.
10. THE MORE STRAIN PLACED ON NUTURING SOMEONE, THE MORE PERVERSE THE OUTCOME.
11. DECEPTION (DELIBERATELY TWISTING ONES INTELLECT OR REASON) IS WHAT SEPARATES MAN FROM ALL OTHER SPECIES.
12. THE MORE DEVIATION AND PERVERSON OF YOUR DEVIANCE AND REASONING, THE WORST THE SIN.
13. IF YOU MUST COMMIT THE SIN OF ADULTERY / SEXUALITY / LUST, BE SUCCESSFUL WITH IT AND CLEVER.
14. MONOGOMY FOR A LIFETIME IS NOT NATURAL.
15. RELATIONSHIPS ARE MISERY UNLESS YOU HAVE THE CONTROL AND POWER.
T/F:
1. THE MORE STRAIN PLACED ON HUMAN NATURE THE MORE PERVERSE THE OUTCOME.
2. WHEN IN LOVE, THE HAND OF PROVIDENCE WILL BE ON YOUR SIDE.
3. THERE IS A LOSS OF ROME IN TODAYS SOCIETY.
4. DEATH IS AN INEVITABLE CONSEQUENCE WHEN REGARDING FORBIDDEN LOVE.
5. "THERE IS NO GREATER PAIN THAN TO REMEMBER, IN OUR PRESENT GRIEF, PAST HAPPINESS."
6. SEX CONTAMINATES THE SPIRITUAL PART OF LOVE.
7. PUNISHMENT IS NOT RANDOM; ALL HAS REASON BEHIND THE PUNISHMENT.
8. "RESURRECTION OF THE FLESH" IS A DOUBLE ENTANDRA.
9. SEXUALITY IS A PART OF HUMAN NATURE.
10. THE MORE STRAIN PLACED ON NUTURING SOMEONE, THE MORE PERVERSE THE OUTCOME.
11. DECEPTION (DELIBERATELY TWISTING ONES INTELLECT OR REASON) IS WHAT SEPARATES MAN FROM ALL OTHER SPECIES.
12. THE MORE DEVIATION AND PERVERSON OF YOUR DEVIANCE AND REASONING, THE WORST THE SIN.
13. IF YOU MUST COMMIT THE SIN OF ADULTERY / SEXUALITY / LUST, BE SUCCESSFUL WITH IT AND CLEVER.
14. MONOGOMY FOR A LIFETIME IS NOT NATURAL.
15. RELATIONSHIPS ARE MISERY UNLESS YOU HAVE THE CONTROL AND POWER.
9.29.2008
9.28.2008
spiders in my skin
somebody wake me up from this nightmare i call my life.
the past months have completely ruined everything i ever was.
HELP.
the past months have completely ruined everything i ever was.
HELP.
9.24.2008
GUERILLA WARFARE ON THE SPIRITUAL BATTLE [TEST 101]
REASONING TEST://101 SAMPLE:
Note: PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS THOROUGHLY & TO THE BEST / WORST OF YR ABILITY. BEGIN NOW ... REMEMBER, THIS WILL BE TIMED & YES, YOU WILL BE JUDGED ON MY PERSONAL TASTE, WHAT SOCIETY HAS INGRAINED IN OUR CONTRACTS, AND MORE.
Q.
ARE
WE
FIGHTING
A
SPIRITUAL
BATTLE?
OR PERHAPS...
OUR SPIRITS
HAVE EVOLVED.
NON-EXISTANT.
NO NEIN NON.
OR. . .
IS THIS PERHAPS JUST ANOTHER FALSISM / TRUISM / LULLABY / FAIRYTALE / ETC WE ACCEPT, TELLING OURSELVES TO MAKE DUE WITH WHAT WE HAVE BECOME?
so class:
WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?
A.
Note: PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS THOROUGHLY & TO THE BEST / WORST OF YR ABILITY. BEGIN NOW ... REMEMBER, THIS WILL BE TIMED & YES, YOU WILL BE JUDGED ON MY PERSONAL TASTE, WHAT SOCIETY HAS INGRAINED IN OUR CONTRACTS, AND MORE.
Q.
ARE
WE
FIGHTING
A
SPIRITUAL
BATTLE?
OR PERHAPS...
OUR SPIRITS
HAVE EVOLVED.
NON-EXISTANT.
NO NEIN NON.
OR. . .
IS THIS PERHAPS JUST ANOTHER FALSISM / TRUISM / LULLABY / FAIRYTALE / ETC WE ACCEPT, TELLING OURSELVES TO MAKE DUE WITH WHAT WE HAVE BECOME?
so class:
WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?
A.
9.23.2008
FAT CATS ARE PARASITES ON A PRODUCTIVE SOCIETY
good evening ladies && gentlemen - tonight we have a grueling match for you. to the left, weighing in at 300 LBS, with an impressive record of 108-3 - THE MACHINE STANDS GLORIOUSLY. && to the right, weighing in at 112 LBS - meek and filled with a belly full of fire tonight, stands THE HUMAN SPIRIT! this looks like an intense fight tonight.
WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE ?
WHO WILL WALK AWAY WITH DEAFENING SILENCE?
WHO WILL CONTROL WHAT IS ON STAKES TONIGHT -
THE VERY COLLAPSE OF TIME AND SPACE ITSELF.
((as the fighters make their way to the center of the ring))
DING DING.
WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE ?
WHO WILL WALK AWAY WITH DEAFENING SILENCE?
WHO WILL CONTROL WHAT IS ON STAKES TONIGHT -
THE VERY COLLAPSE OF TIME AND SPACE ITSELF.
((as the fighters make their way to the center of the ring))
DING DING.
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