i listened to shampoo suicide tonight and wondered if she knew the real you

likely not

after it all, i didn't want to know the real you anyways

getting back to the karmic contract

sometimes you have those days where you have everything surrounding you pushing you, reminding you about the karmic contract you signed but you just can't remember until it's spelled out right in front of you...the karmic contract is like that little contract you signed before you got to this world agreeing with god you are interested in having a specific experience. almost like you chose the path you are on before it ever happened just so you could live out that experience. its not that i believe in reincarnation the way religion believes in it, but instead, we are all energy and your choosing your moment almost before you get here...i sometimes wonder if in any past lives i experienced love. is this what i'm here for? is it something else and i'm on a lost path? i have reasons since i was young which is why i think i was interested in experience in this thing called love. anyway, maybe i only choose one life and then go back to the ball of light where you came from, and maybe you only come once, maybe multiple times, but anyway, the karmic contract can seem cruel but in every experience you're here to learn something anyways. figuring out your focus in this life is important but i think ive lost a bit of my way lately. as i start having more time alone it gets easier to correct this......

but don't you weep (don't you weep for us) there is no one as lucky...honey, don't you weep, don't you weep, there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
I'm talking to you after it's too late
From my videotape

No matter what happens now
You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

thinking about belle & sebastian & wilco & being in high school & the music that got me by & i never pictured life to be like this but everythings more exciting with you.
the horns used to cue and it was sad songs but now they make me want to dance and jive all night long with you. & i think about the others and what a blur most of them were, and how the love couldn't even amount to this. & i think of some who shoulda lasted just a little bit longer, we should'a had just a few more rendevous but life got in the way. and when i think of the old days before you, i think of the depression, and its gone now, like an old friend you want to revisit but really know it's bad for you.
cue the horns

I'll take you on. I'll take you all on. I'll take you on when your will is gone. I will strike you with desire of fault lines no clutch, no storm. i can bind you with no ties and lease time and watch you fall.




You see I've got this soul it's all fired up This soul it's all fired up this soul, it's all fired up

imagine having endless money to play with...
you jeally yet?

because see,
money dont buy love but it sure does buy me a ton of goodies
thats why my loves for gentlemen only
On this precious weekend
Ending this love for gentlemen only
Wealthier gentlemen only

u know I'm kidding right?
maybe?

great rhymes

...Unghh, school flunky, pill junky
but look at the accolades these skills brung me
full of myself, but still hungry
I bully myself 'cause I make me do what I put my mind to
When I'm a million leagues above you
Ill when I speak in tongues
But it's still tongue-and-cheek, fuck you
I'm drunk so Satan take the fucking wheel
I'm asleep in the front seat
Bumping Heavy D and the Boys
"Still chunky, but funky"
But in my head there's something I can feel tugging and struggling
Angels fight with devils and here's what they want from me:

They're asking me to eliminate some of the women hate
But if you take into consideration the bitter hatred I had
Then you may be a little patient and more sympathetic to the situation
And understand the discrimination But fuck it
Life's handing you lemons - Make lemonade then
But if I can't batter the women how the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?
Don't mistake him for Satan

That's a comrade, making a comrade offer

to all of you

my love has way too many laws to have room for any comrades

and to the one who calls me lou reed
sweet, very much.
too bad time never matched up in this universe
yr too busy covered in sawdust making violins & guitars
& im too busy playing with the pins still
and you've been behaving for years so of course i wonder
would i be behaving too? or would we both have spiraled?
i suppose thats why we never worked

and what's with all the ones making guitars anyway?
or drums?
its all so silly
and she says she doesnt have a type
whatafuckingjoke


(guess what f, this one just isn't about you, shame eh)

grandma was a spitfire and now she's got a half a body with a numb limb named after it & she's dying & no one can afford the funeral so she gets cremated instead of a funeral & a memorial & grandma knew everyone, fucked everyone, never drank, never thought this day would come, longevity is long in my family. pops will live forever, amiright? maybe just 84.

and holy shit they cant afford a funeral

grandma dated everyone

she had all the jewels and all the wealth and spent it all

and i look at myself

it doesnt really matter though now does it? where yr body goes to roam after life leaves.

it all ends eventually doesnt it?

lucky i have found my only home (BP)

dirty lovers

dirty lovers doing careless things
and it says a lot when yr dealer says you look like a dirtbag
or

you can't do too much because yr too pretty
they say-
as he takes the 240$ per day from me
and dirty lovers continue to do dirty things
to stay in love or rather
stay happy
because without one another we got nobody

and take care of her b
because she's a real catch
you see her facebook??
(what 10 years ago?)
she's the prize
what a joke

people and their
misconstrued thoughts
thanks to facebook

caught

caught in the act by a women pouring too much wine
addicted to too many drinks
and when she gets started she really goes
no one can be right
you see
situations are sticky
you may be right, but i may be right also
go ahead, keep feeling sorry for yourself
when you have no idea whats going on with me
youll never see me crying over it
youll never see me giving one fuck what the fuck you think

i just hope i never turn into you mother

lucky i have a father whose so compassionate
understands the way this goes
understands it takes a long time & things dont just turn off
its nearly impossible

get over it mom im not a 5%er

the statistics say 5% why do u think im any different? for reals? just let me be
 i do good to evreyone, hurt no one, do my job, make a ton of cash, dont annoy anyone, and still it trickles down to this

(ill always be the bad one at the end of the day according to you, and according to pops im the nicest person hes ever met. ill believe the second, i mean shit i have to keep it together always, keep it all upstairs always and forever)

shiva lizzy

dreams holograms- blue or red pill, wave pool

dreams cant speak - could not function motors properly

dreams inception - see tweets

dream of search squad after man made storm hearing in sky and seeing helicopter lights looking to verify if dead bodies did or did not exist, was asleep but sleep was a hologram projected by time and we were dosed by binaural waves to not be able to wake up, very difficult.

SHIVA LIZZY

ht hold up

http://www.erowid.org/chemicals/dmt/extraction_guide1/dmt_extraction_guide1.shtml

just follow that guide

all the way through

takes about a month

buy powdered mimosa root bark

http://compare.ebay.com/like/180611331671?var=lv&ltyp=AllFixedPriceItemTypes&var=sbar&rvr_id=226375873792&crlp=1_263602_309572&UA=M*S%3F&GUID=34d6426c12e0a02652a1d891ffe0d951&itemid=180611331671&ff4=263602_309572

such as that

thats what i always used as plant material

use naptha as your solvent

and muriatic acid as your acid

and lye as your base

all legal besides mimosa

Haiku Back & Forth Activities With LoVers

they say cleanliness is next to godliness

so i guess that makes you satan

while im busy making love to her

you sit at home masterbatin'

my mind is a vapid vacuum - sucking helocentricities utilized by the outterspace clerks.

apples

from washington state

the apple in your eye is

lost?

gaucomole

so squishy are you

gaucomole is not 

best food in town

macadam

the pioneers paved

explored escape day dreams

through tunneled vision

wandering:

i stand corrected !

a walkabout was perfect - 

but insufficient

the whore stands within

neon lit jail filled bar stools

waiting for a drink

padded:

your damn padded bra

is giving me an ugly rash

on nether region

belt:

quick ! tie up a knot

through streaming typewriter ink

dont spill a drop 

cataclysm:

picasso caused a 

cataclysm when he left

paris for my home

oyster:

rotted sea shell sits

at the bottom of nirvana

yet pearls hide within 

charcoal:

i drew her body

one rainy night in new york

she made my dick hard

-----

camel cigarette

1 of 2 that i can trust

oh how i love both

-----

bedsheets:

twisted underneath

the seamstress seemingly lost

the art of tugging

---

porch:

hummingbirds smoking

with a cowboy and camel

a kiss on the porch

---

gasoline:

it does cost too much 

to get to arizona

but we will try it

----

gasoline:

worth more than our air

we stood in lines on our days

in hopes for new ways

-----

staccato 

----

detached from silence

once felt by Beethoven's ear

his notes too cut out

-------

bobby:

his staccato drums

sounded like a gangsters gun

oh the golden age !

--

earth:

earth you piss me off !

i will not paint you anymore

perhaps mars can help

earth:

apple of my eye

yr core meets my teeth leaving

me biting for more

--- -

HerbalMedicine

a mental projection of the digital self - residual self image

what is real?

"we must assume behind this force the existence of a conscious and intelligent mind. this mind is the matrix of all matter"

when the system destablizises, 

you said you'd build me

an adobe home yet the

foundation was cracked

and so instead you.....

"oieitryagain"

dear lover,

i want to write you a poem that speaks of the seas sparking below, after gods  hand of glory touched it. and i want to write about the roses in full bloom and the daffodils and the lilies yr favorite too. but i can't stop thinking of the harijuku dolls and internet gaming and how much of a buddhist i could be if only i was stronger willed, if only i could concentrate more, if only i actually wanted that.

and i want to write you a poem that can last the tale of time and make you see how much i really love you and we'd fly away but i can't even think of two words that rhyme at the moment! 

---

electrical signals, running through my brain

with the first words spoken by the tribes of i, and me, and we

where are the candles lit we view?

you are a cake made of baby stuff and a baby made of lady stuff - bobby

mashup me & bobby

mustache feathers

i've become the voyeur

of your gentle hands

have we ever looked 

more ridiculous 

or ideal?

sip & scratch

dip & scumble 

nip & stroke

tonight you made me shave my face

your bird is tattooed 

mine is inside

-

the lonesome trollop

with a fast paced dash across a sea salt patch

two feet tip toed through the sticky batter

all that could be said for the lonesome trollop was

stated through the oil spill of pantone 292 -

a trail unraveled by the gumshoes lack of matter-----++===+=

the bible belt of the north holds many a humming juice

jesus cookie had a blood bath

the first day i met you i said, gimme your monkey toes

so i too may know how to lift things.

back in december when you first spread yr toes apart i said,

god damnit, theres like 3 inches in between each one

this has to be the worst piece of writing ive ever dictated to you.

its only cause i don't have a secretary.

and the dots swim round&round.

"Some Silly Old Poems"

maybe these are on here, maybe they arent. but they are saved on my computer so here we go

An introduction to my unfinished experiments I have…

FAT CATS ARE PARASITES ON A PRODUCTIVE SOCIETY

good evening ladies && gentlemen - tonight we have a grueling match for you. to the left, weighing in at 300 LBS, with an impressive record of 108-3 - THE MACHINE STANDS GLORIOUSLY. && to the right, weighing in at 112 LBS - meek and filled with a belly full of fire tonight, stands THE HUMAN SPIRIT! this looks like an intense fight tonight.

WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE ?

WHO WILL WALK AWAY WITH DEAFENING SILENCE?

WHO WILL CONTROL WHAT IS ON STAKES TONIGHT -

THE VERY COLLAPSE OF TIME AND SPACE ITSELF.

((as the fighters make their way to the center of the ring))

DING DING.

———

bilanz selbstmord

it is true, you know.

my experiments have come about in a moment of desperation, for my life has become an assessment - a balance sheet so to speak...this too shall pass.

a balance sheet - so to speak - weighing in the most rational (& awakened) state of mind to attempt to conquer my last chance left at what is known as life.

you've made me want to be a saint.

you've made me want to be a savior.

you've made me want to fuck a saint, or perhaps, my very own savior.

does this make sense? are you my angel??

have you conquered the misconceptions? will you let me borrow yr eyes?

perhaps just yr ears.

prove this wrong.

my theories, that is.

i have wanted & yearned for my very own bukowski to play savior, & now; i have found this bellyed out rotted soul & i am afraid my mind is not great enough to conquer it - has his conquered minde?

am i admitting defeat?

did i choose this path?

where are my goals?

where are my eyes?

my ears are still here.

my mind is mashed up - a composite of every1 i have ever met . . . will it heal? are there secret compartments? can i decipher the others ideas from my own? if i can do this than my writings will be complete...

i must narrate for them to persuade the savior role.

or perhaps, just go back to my balance sheet . . .

call me roger chillingworth, if you must. (this would need to be changed a lot)

I WANT TO SINK IN YOUR BONES

WHERE DID YOU GO

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE 

TO THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME LOVE

WAS IT ALL FRAUD

YOU AREN'T HAPPY?

YOU DON'T KNOW?

YOU've NEVER HAVE BEEN HAPPY?

HELP ME -

IM AT A LOSS WITH WORDS 

YET

I CANT RUIN THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE ME

or do.

WAS IT ALL JUST A GAME

EX#1://PROCESSING FORGOTTEN THINGS & RARITIES

NOTES

SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://1)

gone gone gone and i am all alone again left wrapped up in my books

and i am the weeping willow in this maddening wind & i am your favorite

sad song stuck on repeat & i have cracked spider legs which are trying to

build, just one last time, the most eloquent of all webs but now ---

the shark has come and bitten away at my very own heart ! for the

sake of his thirst - can i blame him ? or is this in 

our nature ?

SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://2)

i sit & wonder (is this all rotting my brain) . . .

where did the mountains go ? and the blue moon? and the ocean too ? i cant even get there without being hassled by the cops anymore & i just want to gaze at the ocean

yet i am left with the birds chirping at my windows while death bites at my ankles, slowly but surely, yet i cannot stop thinking why are we doing this to ourselves ? what did our grandfathers expect? where has chief joseph hidden ? where are the gods who created this ghost dance ? why did america win anyway? seperation i suppose but why so soon?

dear gravity and chance :

you have your rules. you exterminate all irrations. you see things clearly.

you see the larger scheme. teach me your ways.

jealousy will not be my education of choice anymore.

do as you will - all of you - i am not judging, i am no longer worrying. it's only human nature anyway . . . silly me for forgetting these thoughts ! so rarely do i see with such clarity. for i became the woman - just like most women - who cannot forget, who cannot stop comparing. cohen said CONNECT NOTHING. i am doing so. here is a brief reminder to myself:

i am in the right place.

everything is accordingly.

let the particles in the air float my to where my next adventure will be. if you are there, any of you, let it be natural. NO FORCE-FEEDING. where is god through all of this though ? he's turned his back on me again.

i reach out he turns further...this must be the cycle perhaps.

it doesn't matter anyway.

so, to the laws of gravity and chance, help me float freely...take me the Way....and so that will bethat. the end !

< 0 UTD8ED:// PARANOIA OFTEN MEANS ACCURACY.

Note: Perhaps things become outdated when truisms are set into place & falsities are let out. OLD && OUTDATED; A NICE REMINDER OF THE FALSITIES IN LIFE :

EX#2://WRAPPING ONESELF UP IN COMMODITIES

continually, i chain smoke my marlboro reds covering myself in dust & ashes while i wrap myself up in hilighted note filled battered books & unravel my mind...& i am stargazing, fiending for my better days - those days before you drifted away - or perhaps; those days where your good parts stayed. & i don't know whether to be glad or sad, you do it in the most gentlest of ways...and this very emotion is what wears my tired soul down. (tom set's in oh he's a singing & oh he's a swaying: i don't think you'll come around here no more...)

god fucking damn it ! its yr blonde hair that i want to be wrapped up in ! not the books, not the lies && the pills that have brought our portions down so much. the dinosaurs are here and owls are there but i just want your hair everywhere ? i'm trying the best i can saving up my quarters for rainy days (which seem to appear everyday) yet you never tried to change me so why, why did i change you my little bukowski : i should have known you held the knife all along. my little platinum blonde cotton candy king pink shirt was the last i had ever seen and now yr gone stole the stiches you healed in this heart and it feels like death is biting at my ankles again and my blue blooded nature is slowly fading away from the coldness of tonight causing my eyes to fade to grey. my platinum blonde orange candy breeding king i want to fall asleep in yr hair again but all i can think is how i'm the one you believe made the cancer set in next the pains filled in your belly onto more and more tumors please remember dear, i am not your marla singer. . . but let me tell you that on this very moment in this dark crisp feeling night that i must say, those thick sticky maple syrup dripping sap-filled eyes are still haunting me. be kind - kill it please.

before the edits, this happens...

1.25.2009

mister mister,

here here !

acute schizoid, eh? with the delusions & paranoia too? so you've been certified to boot, oh but proceed (by all means please) to tell everyone i am certifiable. GRADE A let's say ! like i'm some sort of friendly packaged and processed meat, creme de la creme, cream of the crop, floor fifteen on the pike, let's bring her to the psych!

she's mad

you say !

and:

her minds filled with riddles which twist and turn, and her arms well . . . they are filled with the strawberry burns ! her belly aches sir doctor, she hasn't eaten in days...you turn to look at me to indicate, i'm sorry lizzy i don't believe this is just a phase !

Oh...Okay.

i'll say. and:

continue please, you kicked me to the curb you rubbersoul void of soul over dyed sooth seeker non truth believer - but hey, for only $2.08 per gallon -go on, fill yr mind with the lies ! it's true : i lied through and through & if you were clever you would have learned to read the schemes - use the filter on yr newports, just as we do for the scag we put in the spoon . . . to remember just like the first time we shot up to CONNECT NOTHING & FILTER ALL instead of believing all the shit spewed out of my mouth like stew - you think my brains rotted ... ha ha you know, i almost believed you for a second or two that this was the truth, but hey baby you chose the wayward of the words i realized i searched for all the wrong blackbirds & this phase and moment of all my life but these things will subside...oh look...here she goes again...ranting and sing songing away . . .

SO J.K.,what do you expect? jokes on me now ay !

i'll never blame you for my needle streak though you'd prefer this, like a record trying to be played but it scratched and skips from the pin, no no darling dear that will not be me, i have my own choices you see, i chose the love of the blood & the love of the belt tied slightly too tight i chose the balance i left the amphetamines in exchange to be a dope fiend, so please now hop along let me be.

but...

"IF YOU HAD FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE, WHO WOULD YOU CALL...AND WHY ARE YOU WAITING?"

you see it's true you know. at age 23 yr the first boy i ever was in love with . . the first i felt a true emotion for. the rest? all part of the games i play...& remember sex versus the fuck versus the love? we'll i've still never made love not once in my life but i do believe we were quite close the last time . so thank you for that and thank you for this but now its time for the two of us to hop along and let me be dismissed. (though i really truly never wanted the parting of the seas to be this way...hello john cusack top 5 breakups? this will be the icing on the records)

——-

he brought me truth justified:

he served his spoken words in a bowl

filled with a-l-p-h-a-b-e-t shapes

that created sounds through vowels

reminding me of new breathing techniques

and the words in this sea...please see:

they overflowed from a pastey red & white

camp-bells rang in my ears bringing in sounds new of the year

but the rust etched in our arms remained && so

in return (to sender)

betrayal was written & not through the vowels learned

or from the orange candy supr-eyes(d) brown eyes

but instead through the chaos you thought i came to mend

but my season of stitches still cannot comprehend

the life lines youve opened, feeding passion to these veins

and now you have said that i've taught you fear and shown you how to betray

but

to

my

lover

let

me

state

this:

i told you my love occurs in brief moments; it will bring you hope which in turn, forms great disappointments. ill always be married to these books i read & in turn you must play the mistress, you see. you were informed of this from day one so when you feel i'm playing games now realize they already begun.

(you will thank me one day. perhaps?)x