An introduction to my unfinished experiments I have…
FAT CATS ARE PARASITES ON A PRODUCTIVE SOCIETY
good evening ladies && gentlemen - tonight we have a grueling match for you. to the left, weighing in at 300 LBS, with an impressive record of 108-3 - THE MACHINE STANDS GLORIOUSLY. && to the right, weighing in at 112 LBS - meek and filled with a belly full of fire tonight, stands THE HUMAN SPIRIT! this looks like an intense fight tonight.
WHO WILL WIN THIS BATTLE ?
WHO WILL WALK AWAY WITH DEAFENING SILENCE?
WHO WILL CONTROL WHAT IS ON STAKES TONIGHT -
THE VERY COLLAPSE OF TIME AND SPACE ITSELF.
((as the fighters make their way to the center of the ring))
DING DING.
———
bilanz selbstmord
it is true, you know.
my experiments have come about in a moment of desperation, for my life has become an assessment - a balance sheet so to speak...this too shall pass.
a balance sheet - so to speak - weighing in the most rational (& awakened) state of mind to attempt to conquer my last chance left at what is known as life.
you've made me want to be a saint.
you've made me want to be a savior.
you've made me want to fuck a saint, or perhaps, my very own savior.
does this make sense? are you my angel??
have you conquered the misconceptions? will you let me borrow yr eyes?
perhaps just yr ears.
prove this wrong.
my theories, that is.
i have wanted & yearned for my very own bukowski to play savior, & now; i have found this bellyed out rotted soul & i am afraid my mind is not great enough to conquer it - has his conquered minde?
am i admitting defeat?
did i choose this path?
where are my goals?
where are my eyes?
my ears are still here.
my mind is mashed up - a composite of every1 i have ever met . . . will it heal? are there secret compartments? can i decipher the others ideas from my own? if i can do this than my writings will be complete...
i must narrate for them to persuade the savior role.
or perhaps, just go back to my balance sheet . . .
call me roger chillingworth, if you must. (this would need to be changed a lot)
I WANT TO SINK IN YOUR BONES
WHERE DID YOU GO
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
TO THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME LOVE
WAS IT ALL FRAUD
YOU AREN'T HAPPY?
YOU DON'T KNOW?
YOU've NEVER HAVE BEEN HAPPY?
HELP ME -
IM AT A LOSS WITH WORDS
YET
I CANT RUIN THOSE WHO DON'T LOVE ME
or do.
WAS IT ALL JUST A GAME
EX#1://PROCESSING FORGOTTEN THINGS & RARITIES
NOTES
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://1)
gone gone gone and i am all alone again left wrapped up in my books
and i am the weeping willow in this maddening wind & i am your favorite
sad song stuck on repeat & i have cracked spider legs which are trying to
build, just one last time, the most eloquent of all webs but now ---
the shark has come and bitten away at my very own heart ! for the
sake of his thirst - can i blame him ? or is this in
our nature ?
SECTION I. NATURE VERSUS NURTURE (PT://2)
i sit & wonder (is this all rotting my brain) . . .
where did the mountains go ? and the blue moon? and the ocean too ? i cant even get there without being hassled by the cops anymore & i just want to gaze at the ocean
yet i am left with the birds chirping at my windows while death bites at my ankles, slowly but surely, yet i cannot stop thinking why are we doing this to ourselves ? what did our grandfathers expect? where has chief joseph hidden ? where are the gods who created this ghost dance ? why did america win anyway? seperation i suppose but why so soon?
dear gravity and chance :
you have your rules. you exterminate all irrations. you see things clearly.
you see the larger scheme. teach me your ways.
jealousy will not be my education of choice anymore.
do as you will - all of you - i am not judging, i am no longer worrying. it's only human nature anyway . . . silly me for forgetting these thoughts ! so rarely do i see with such clarity. for i became the woman - just like most women - who cannot forget, who cannot stop comparing. cohen said CONNECT NOTHING. i am doing so. here is a brief reminder to myself:
i am in the right place.
everything is accordingly.
let the particles in the air float my to where my next adventure will be. if you are there, any of you, let it be natural. NO FORCE-FEEDING. where is god through all of this though ? he's turned his back on me again.
i reach out he turns further...this must be the cycle perhaps.
it doesn't matter anyway.
so, to the laws of gravity and chance, help me float freely...take me the Way....and so that will bethat. the end !
< 0 UTD8ED:// PARANOIA OFTEN MEANS ACCURACY.
Note: Perhaps things become outdated when truisms are set into place & falsities are let out. OLD && OUTDATED; A NICE REMINDER OF THE FALSITIES IN LIFE :
EX#2://WRAPPING ONESELF UP IN COMMODITIES
continually, i chain smoke my marlboro reds covering myself in dust & ashes while i wrap myself up in hilighted note filled battered books & unravel my mind...& i am stargazing, fiending for my better days - those days before you drifted away - or perhaps; those days where your good parts stayed. & i don't know whether to be glad or sad, you do it in the most gentlest of ways...and this very emotion is what wears my tired soul down. (tom set's in oh he's a singing & oh he's a swaying: i don't think you'll come around here no more...)
god fucking damn it ! its yr blonde hair that i want to be wrapped up in ! not the books, not the lies && the pills that have brought our portions down so much. the dinosaurs are here and owls are there but i just want your hair everywhere ? i'm trying the best i can saving up my quarters for rainy days (which seem to appear everyday) yet you never tried to change me so why, why did i change you my little bukowski : i should have known you held the knife all along. my little platinum blonde cotton candy king pink shirt was the last i had ever seen and now yr gone stole the stiches you healed in this heart and it feels like death is biting at my ankles again and my blue blooded nature is slowly fading away from the coldness of tonight causing my eyes to fade to grey. my platinum blonde orange candy breeding king i want to fall asleep in yr hair again but all i can think is how i'm the one you believe made the cancer set in next the pains filled in your belly onto more and more tumors please remember dear, i am not your marla singer. . . but let me tell you that on this very moment in this dark crisp feeling night that i must say, those thick sticky maple syrup dripping sap-filled eyes are still haunting me. be kind - kill it please.
before the edits, this happens...
1.25.2009
mister mister,
here here !
acute schizoid, eh? with the delusions & paranoia too? so you've been certified to boot, oh but proceed (by all means please) to tell everyone i am certifiable. GRADE A let's say ! like i'm some sort of friendly packaged and processed meat, creme de la creme, cream of the crop, floor fifteen on the pike, let's bring her to the psych!
she's mad
you say !
and:
her minds filled with riddles which twist and turn, and her arms well . . . they are filled with the strawberry burns ! her belly aches sir doctor, she hasn't eaten in days...you turn to look at me to indicate, i'm sorry lizzy i don't believe this is just a phase !
Oh...Okay.
i'll say. and:
continue please, you kicked me to the curb you rubbersoul void of soul over dyed sooth seeker non truth believer - but hey, for only $2.08 per gallon -go on, fill yr mind with the lies ! it's true : i lied through and through & if you were clever you would have learned to read the schemes - use the filter on yr newports, just as we do for the scag we put in the spoon . . . to remember just like the first time we shot up to CONNECT NOTHING & FILTER ALL instead of believing all the shit spewed out of my mouth like stew - you think my brains rotted ... ha ha you know, i almost believed you for a second or two that this was the truth, but hey baby you chose the wayward of the words i realized i searched for all the wrong blackbirds & this phase and moment of all my life but these things will subside...oh look...here she goes again...ranting and sing songing away . . .
SO J.K.,what do you expect? jokes on me now ay !
i'll never blame you for my needle streak though you'd prefer this, like a record trying to be played but it scratched and skips from the pin, no no darling dear that will not be me, i have my own choices you see, i chose the love of the blood & the love of the belt tied slightly too tight i chose the balance i left the amphetamines in exchange to be a dope fiend, so please now hop along let me be.
but...
"IF YOU HAD FIVE MINUTES TO LIVE, WHO WOULD YOU CALL...AND WHY ARE YOU WAITING?"
you see it's true you know. at age 23 yr the first boy i ever was in love with . . the first i felt a true emotion for. the rest? all part of the games i play...& remember sex versus the fuck versus the love? we'll i've still never made love not once in my life but i do believe we were quite close the last time . so thank you for that and thank you for this but now its time for the two of us to hop along and let me be dismissed. (though i really truly never wanted the parting of the seas to be this way...hello john cusack top 5 breakups? this will be the icing on the records)
——-
he brought me truth justified:
he served his spoken words in a bowl
filled with a-l-p-h-a-b-e-t shapes
that created sounds through vowels
reminding me of new breathing techniques
and the words in this sea...please see:
they overflowed from a pastey red & white
camp-bells rang in my ears bringing in sounds new of the year
but the rust etched in our arms remained && so
in return (to sender)
betrayal was written & not through the vowels learned
or from the orange candy supr-eyes(d) brown eyes
but instead through the chaos you thought i came to mend
but my season of stitches still cannot comprehend
the life lines youve opened, feeding passion to these veins
and now you have said that i've taught you fear and shown you how to betray
but
to
my
lover
let
me
state
this:
i told you my love occurs in brief moments; it will bring you hope which in turn, forms great disappointments. ill always be married to these books i read & in turn you must play the mistress, you see. you were informed of this from day one so when you feel i'm playing games now realize they already begun.
(you will thank me one day. perhaps?)x
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