never finished

“Whether a person feels positive or not is kind of a comment on their personality and of no great interest. You can find positive signs or you can find negative signs. How you evaluate them depends on something that happened in your life recently or something like that. There's no objective way to do it. The important thing is you try to commit yourself to making the positive signs more real. Suppose you felt that there's 99 percent of a probability that human civilization is going to be destroyed in the next hundred years, but one percent chance it won't be, and that one percent offers some opportunities to do something. Well, you commit yourself to that one percent.” CHOMSKY.

Individuals perception untainted by others influence does NOT exist.

So if we cannot see it, is it there? Is the possibility for a changed future there, if we cannot create the vision for it? There are things we can envision: our car sitting in the garage waiting for us, where we were prior to this retreat, the books lurking in the corner of our bedroom, our clothing slinking past us in the closet, the hidden pills taken to avoid feelings and emotions, our friends who are circling around us, even those who we have only met once or twice.
We act on our primitive - emotional - perception, not necessarily the rational one. This is due to our limbic system. It creates little folded pieces of clothes in our dresser so to speak; we fold our memories - both positive and negative - and safely keep them tucked inside - all developing and changing how we foresee our future and how we may react in future circumstance.
And now, many of us are left, devoid of all hope, with a belly full of apathetic emotions, not knowing where to turn, being afraid of a future - afraid of change, afraid of letting go of those blankets of resentments and playing the victim role, in order to change our future. Without personal growth, no real change can develop. We are a country that depends so much on human communication, hearing and speaking to each other, that we see little of the larger scheme. Too often when asked to recall events, we do not know what the person was wearing, who was driving, where we were, how the weather was, and so on and so forth. We lose so much of the larger picture of 'reality.' This is similar to the mending of my seasons. For our grandmothers were seamstresses so why have I not picked up this hobby? Re-created the garment? Re-created my mind. It's a slow process I suppose. Like picking up the needle to stitch for the first time, instead of using it to shoot myself. It's learning again. Re learning how to deal with all these fuck ups I've created.i have a leaky mind that needs repair. needs patching. i cannot do this simply by socializing in this group. it's much more for me. it's re-creating how to see. how to hear. how to use my senses intertwined with one another. how to learn how to see the larger scheme of things in order to obtain self empowerment, self happiness, and above all, feeling more than just okay at where I stand in society.,

We are told here, that this is a marketing research group. How does noone else see this? How does no one else realize that although the program is on the brink of something great (through learning, re-learning, observing and so forth) how does no one see that because this is an experiment, we are the subjects, we are doing exactly what we do (perhaps it is subconsciously...) because we are being watched? Tested? What if there were no cameras? What if our answers were not used for research? I know I would be acting differently. What if we knew we could get away with more? We are all sitting here, dumbfoundedly, obeying rules that are not necessarily there in outside circumstances. DOES anyone realize that this affects our future results? Things are not so easy on the outside world. We are so protected here, like newborns, we are all newborns and being watched and nutured...only...we are adults. we are choosing to listen and see what we want to see. Things pass my mind all the time here - I do not have to be on gaurd, someone else is on gaurd for me. I do not need to listen to everyone speak, for they will speak anyway, sometimes forced, sometimes not. Forced conversation really aggravates me. Especially ice-breakers, and conversations that may not necessarily come about. Why? Because it is all another little experiment to see how people answer things when put on the spot. Why not let things come natural? This program is here to tell people how to make better choices; how to learn how to overcome with what we went through in the past; yet we are treated like infants. We are fed. We do not need to clean. It is a comfort zone while we get 'better' or like they like to say, while we learn how to re-adjust to society. Talk about victimizing ! We are treated like the victims ! Never have I ever had it this fucking good! And I will never again. Hence why it is so easy to adjust here; to fit in, to feel at 'home.' All the circumstances surrounding me allow for this, helping open my mind to reach my goals and dreams when we get home. There are no external forces. Why don't they teach us a lesson on external forces? And i'm not talking with drugs. I am talking with dealing with serious issues here. Dealing with death, dealing with the fact that many of our friends are dead, dealing with rapes, dealing with not having a steady foundation at home to walk into. Are we now supposed to be ready for this?It's a big joke. It really is. I am taking the positives from this program, however, does no one else see the problem with this?It is bogus ! Because we know it's an experiment from a research group, we immediately act differently, whether we forget this or not. we are swaying our senses because we are told to. This is insanity !!! wake the fuck up. this is an alter-reality so to speak.

Perhaps I'm just mad. Perhaps I am correct. Perhaps my ideaologies are shifty too. We start to do dishes. We compliment one another. We act like this really happens in a day to day situation. No one has qualms or questions it. It almost amuses me. Let me see how many people I can compliment today. Let me see how many people tell me I look pretty, just because my hair is straightened. Let me see how many people invite me to play an activity, even though I do not necessarily like the activity OR get along with them. Call me a pessimest if you will, call me unvisionary, call me a breath of fresh air, fuck I do not care what I am called, but lets realize this is not our true identity here. You are being lied to. This is so humourous. Lets see if love can exist after this place, or is it love because of the atmosphere we are put in.