8 months you've been gone

some days are easier than others. today is not one of those days. 

sometimes when your doing simple things around the house, maybe you'll think of me and smile

allen ginsberg quote i love

“I really would like to stop working forever–never work again, never do anything like the kind of work I’m doing now–and do nothing but write poetry and have leisure to spend the day outdoors and go to museums and see friends. And I’d like to keep living with someone — maybe even a man — and explore relationships that way. And cultivate my perceptions, cultivate the visionary thing in me. Just a literary and quiet city-hermit existence." Allen Ginsberg

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Sometimes when i Think of B im reminded of frankenstein

"I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other" Frankenstein

Thinking of you tonight O

I now understand why people go to psychics, are determined to astral project, practice channeling, even believe in past lives, etc. some days i miss you so much i can’t even get out of bed anymore. all my secrets and past died with you and i wish i could have been there at your end. You would think nights are the loneliest but really it’s momebts when i hear a song, when i look to myleft in the car, see something i would have told you about, had an experience I’d love to share, etc. When you share something with one person and then while you two have unfinished business they go away it is really hard. You were my best friend and could have been even more if only the timing was right and i didn’t take the easy way so much.

After you passed nothing’s been the same . It’s getting very hard to cope with death for me . I should feel lucky it took 32 years to feel this emotion . I don’t know why but i guess i thought I’d never be close enough to get hurt

watching black mirror's san junipero wondering

if that existed,

would you ever visit me & would i ever visit you?
if its all too much in this lifetime, why would we revisit?

then i think the internet helps for that, but not really.
but we visit each other sometimes & its usually all too much...

its all too much to think about this late anyway.

is it strange after watching BBC THE HUNT (Animals hunting animals) i just picture me hunting other people or other people hunting me, me switching roles, and saying bring it.

i think id be fairly successful at winning most hunts, despite someones size. now that iv3e quit smoking i am going to make sure i can run faster than i have ever tried because i rarely tried in the past & once i make sure of that, i will make sure i go back to being extremely stealth & learn to HUNT !

MY BRAINS INSANEEEE

i came across a photo you snapped of me today, it was in California & i thought, oh to the boy who took me to the west coast & to california, you helped bring the stars out in my eyes & helped me experience dreams a very long time ago & you also were the reason i cried when i knew i had to come back & i knew me & you would never last...
there was something half safe half adventurous about you. something so mysterious. until i got what i wanted which was your love & once i had you under my thumb & visiting me in rehab & all those kinds of things i just didnt want it anymore.

and when i came back you said something like you could never like bobby because you were always watching him with your girl & i never really knew what you meant until today, when i came across that old photo & i went to your facebook & re-watched (now single) your wedding video & when i saw the tears in your eyes I realized just how strange life is because i could have been your girl, but you really sold out and your having a baby now and doing all those things we dreaded and i like i told you then:

i could never really be your girl.

anyways, nowadays, its funny that i think randomly about ones who got away that i could have loved but never really did & i think about the one im with now & its all very new with him but whats weird is...
for the very very first time in my whole life i feel very safe with someone. if you know me ive always been a lone wolf when it comes to apocolyptic things or the end times or anything like that.

i always ended up dating the rich boys who couldnt build something but could think real deep thoughts and now well it all makes sense why i dont want a white collared boy but instead...

a boy whose more like a lumberjack - no really - he is. he calls himself a plant doctor too but while at one point i would have thought its hotter that he can remember all the plant names and why one is sick NOW i think its hotter that he climbs 200 feet in the air and can figure out logistically what needs to be cut & that he never gets injured because well its been a decade and hes really good at his job.

and did i mention he has lots of guns? and in every single room theres a weapon? this is what i mean about feeling safe. & he thinks about things like setting the lighting, or where will we sit, or when he will hold my hand & if my pillow is comfortable enough & if i am  OK on this side vs. that...all those little details that make or break things. all those little details i forgot about when i was with bobby & comfortable & secretly always crying for change.

aNYwYz.

and on top of that maybe he cant cook but he always takes me to the nicest places to eat & doesnt expect me to wait on him hand & foot but sometimes i cook for him but he knows im not that very good and hes okay with that because my baking and sexin' skills really mke up for it. and lets not forget about the sex. ok, i wont lie, im hypnotized and have never quite had experiences like that which makes me think holy guacamole i am waking up to my sex life for the first time in my whole wide life. he got me with just a few dirty words & then i started sending pics & videos and i thought i was almost 14 again.

and other simple things include buying me a toothbrush & telling me to pick where i want it to live because its the first spot of me living there but anyway he even got me to quit smoking & cleaned my car & air fresheners & some other cutie things too.

sometimes i write poems about him because i can & i care & sometimes i barely show him any emotions because i dont want to cry or be too lovey dovey and i know he knows that i care, because even though im a little bit of a brat i show my love in those weird strange ways...


things are so different now. im sober & for the very first time i feel safe around a boy. & i remember w. asked me:

do you think you will get sick of me because I push you to achieve your goals / things you want in life? i responded, why would i ever get sick of that? he said : sometimes you think im pushing you but im just trying to motivate...have you ever had someone who tried to motivate you? and i sat there thinking very hard & all my ex lovers crossed my mind & it was alwaysw me doing it myself, never did an ex lover try to motivate me to do GOOD for myself. only motivate me to do good when it would EffeCT THEM, financially or with controlling or my type. regardless id never...

sometimes i worry you and your lady broke up
because i find it not fair when long term couples break up
not fair they dont bother trying when they acted married anyway
not fair you just throw in a towel and replace someone
i dont get why

maybe someone cheated
maybe not
maybe you were bored
maybe she didnt like being second best to your career

you used to post different iG photos on my bday
I thought no more
Than I found the train
LIFE

Life is strange still without you and I never thought it'd be this way anyways

men

i seem to like the creative ones much better than the others...

there was the marine turned neuroscientist who would talk about anything philosophical and i remember he wanted to read revelations while fucking. it just sounded too wild not to do.

then there was james who gave me an ego boost maybe when i needed it most....he said hed drag me on adventures involving nudity and mischief

and its not that i want any of that, i have the best. its just nice to know and think about men from the past who creep into my mind on those nights where your at work, and im sry

i listened to shampoo suicide tonight and wondered if she knew the real you

likely not

after it all, i didn't want to know the real you anyways

getting back to the karmic contract

sometimes you have those days where you have everything surrounding you pushing you, reminding you about the karmic contract you signed but you just can't remember until it's spelled out right in front of you...the karmic contract is like that little contract you signed before you got to this world agreeing with god you are interested in having a specific experience. almost like you chose the path you are on before it ever happened just so you could live out that experience. its not that i believe in reincarnation the way religion believes in it, but instead, we are all energy and your choosing your moment almost before you get here...i sometimes wonder if in any past lives i experienced love. is this what i'm here for? is it something else and i'm on a lost path? i have reasons since i was young which is why i think i was interested in experience in this thing called love. anyway, maybe i only choose one life and then go back to the ball of light where you came from, and maybe you only come once, maybe multiple times, but anyway, the karmic contract can seem cruel but in every experience you're here to learn something anyways. figuring out your focus in this life is important but i think ive lost a bit of my way lately. as i start having more time alone it gets easier to correct this......

but don't you weep (don't you weep for us) there is no one as lucky...honey, don't you weep, don't you weep, there is nothing as lucky, as easy, or free

When I'm at the pearly gates
This will be on my videotape, my videotape
Mephistopheles is just beneath
And he's reaching up to grab me

This is one for the good days
And I have it all here
In red, blue, green
Red, blue, green

You are my center
When I spin away
Out of control on videotape
On videotape
On videotape
On videotape

This is my way of saying goodbye
Because I can't do it face to face
I'm talking to you after it's too late
From my videotape

No matter what happens now
You shouldn't be afraid
Because I know today has been the most perfect day I've ever seen

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

thinking about belle & sebastian & wilco & being in high school & the music that got me by & i never pictured life to be like this but everythings more exciting with you.
the horns used to cue and it was sad songs but now they make me want to dance and jive all night long with you. & i think about the others and what a blur most of them were, and how the love couldn't even amount to this. & i think of some who shoulda lasted just a little bit longer, we should'a had just a few more rendevous but life got in the way. and when i think of the old days before you, i think of the depression, and its gone now, like an old friend you want to revisit but really know it's bad for you.
cue the horns

I'll take you on. I'll take you all on. I'll take you on when your will is gone. I will strike you with desire of fault lines no clutch, no storm. i can bind you with no ties and lease time and watch you fall.




You see I've got this soul it's all fired up This soul it's all fired up this soul, it's all fired up

imagine having endless money to play with...
you jeally yet?

because see,
money dont buy love but it sure does buy me a ton of goodies
thats why my loves for gentlemen only
On this precious weekend
Ending this love for gentlemen only
Wealthier gentlemen only

u know I'm kidding right?
maybe?

great rhymes

...Unghh, school flunky, pill junky
but look at the accolades these skills brung me
full of myself, but still hungry
I bully myself 'cause I make me do what I put my mind to
When I'm a million leagues above you
Ill when I speak in tongues
But it's still tongue-and-cheek, fuck you
I'm drunk so Satan take the fucking wheel
I'm asleep in the front seat
Bumping Heavy D and the Boys
"Still chunky, but funky"
But in my head there's something I can feel tugging and struggling
Angels fight with devils and here's what they want from me:

They're asking me to eliminate some of the women hate
But if you take into consideration the bitter hatred I had
Then you may be a little patient and more sympathetic to the situation
And understand the discrimination But fuck it
Life's handing you lemons - Make lemonade then
But if I can't batter the women how the fuck am I supposed to bake them a cake then?
Don't mistake him for Satan