can someone, such as myself, with such a rotted soul, become someone with a kind heart? I don't think it is true.not in this atmosphere anyway. i fake it often. i fake most emotion. it's true - in these settings i am quite selfish.
how long can i stay sober for?
i've drank two separate nights. i have only told one person this. now its written on here. i haven't been drunk yet.
i know i will use heroin again. i can't fucking wait. it's all just a matter of time. mater of when i can score big. matter of when i can go out with a bang ! matter of when no one is home to catch me this time around. i am done with this life. it's just not for me.
i want to go live in the clouds.
this life is too real for me to imagine.
just faking day by day this superficial happiness.
i've been happy in the past.
i know there are future happy days to come.
i
just
dont
want
them

is that such a crime? if i know what i want, why does the rest of the world have to be selfish, then reply that I AM selfish? I worked fine at my job. i went to classes. i always used my own money. i paid my own rent.
everyone has their vicerag.
some people like twisted fucking pornos.
some people get their rocks off drinking.
some people live the double life. work hard play harder.
me? i liked to tie up. so the fuck what.
its not legal, so let the cops take care of it. dont play patrol on my life mother. its not yr fucking job, nor will it ever be.
i'm sick and tired of everyone telling me to make my own decisions, yet i am still babied.
i am the worlds oldest baby & i want to try on new skin for a while. perhaps go off the radar. perhaps just end it all already.
i wont pass out while trying to end it this time. i've measured it all out. just a matter of when i have money again.
i have too many bills to do what i really want. i have too many responsibilities. i would have gotten sober for 20 grand if they sent me to school in california. instead - rehab. where i used it as a nice break from reality. i told them i'd be using again. and i will. because it was not what i wanted, and guess what, i am a selfish cunt when on long island.


i wasnt like this in rehab. you know, its funny, as much as i hated being away...i was nice as hell. i treated everyone with the respect they deserved. noone was judging me for the first time. noone was trying to romanticize life and compliment me just to get in my pants. it was all pretty real.
it felt so much more realistic than this world ive painted for myself.
i need a break from this all.
its funny, im more depressed now, then when i was using.
ha !! Jokes on me !!!