laugh madly but oh...the sea foam green will dull soon enough. along with the rest of my senses. you see, everything is too clear now. my laugh is too loud & sometimes it even cracks from too much emotion seeping in between my parted lips. my stale blue eyes begin to shift when i am nervous. i even get nervous from staring into yr eyes that are so beautiful it is almost like lucifer himself created them. a cool breeze makes my teeth chatter as i long for a sweater. i am feeling almost too human now. i am giving it all away all too easily. lets leave it all folded nicely up in the air, or perhaps in a sweater, and we can fold it up and hide away in drawers or suitcases as i did with yr letter. . .
things are balanced here which may or may not be good for me. soon enough i will leave, as i always do, but instead it is not on my terms this time. i'll head off back to my world as will you & i'll miss yr charming cap & suit jacket & yr brightening smile & this day dream we have lined with a semi-clear conscious & mind will soon enough rewind to a time in history where a scabbie point injected straight to my vain was good enough for little ol' me.
i'm completely okay with that. yes, oh sure, mmhmmm. . . im having a very nice, pleasant time here. but this is not me. i am a fraud here. FRAUDULANT ACTIVITIES - BEWARE ! (the signs in my brain state this over & over i can never be this kind in my 'reality' . . . or can i?)
NOW STARRING IN FRAUDULANT ACTIVITIES - BEWARE : LITTLE OL' ME ! this is all just my theatrical debut & i am the leading lady ! charming, oh yes oh yes.
it's true. i want to sigh a million and one times because things are too nice and lovely with this and him and all of it but i know it could never last. we could never last. too many steps our in between us in just four weeks. i am okay with this.
its just ----
its just i am scared to go home .... i'll start shooting the junk and falling in love in old daydreams. james is the only one who i can sit and not say a word with while we are high...we sit, nodding, in my car...as he drives my steering wheel with his knees & he ties me up & i crush an adderall & he snorts it all while do all of this...and he's the only person i can sit in silence with while we are both in our own little minds yet we are having the same exact day dream going on. we are having the same conversations and we never had to part our mouths.
things are so different here now. there is a boy who brings me a coffee everyday. he spoils me with compliments. he doesn't degrade me or fight with me or let my psychopathic tendencies ever get in the way. he is too good to me. i'm going to go home and everythings going to be so polar opposite and i don't know how exactly i am going to deal.
ill finish this rant later maybe
the dead angels are calling on me...
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