i had a dream this afternoon of a boy i used to write poems with back & forth & talk all night online to, mainly me writing, from another planet far far away. he was more intrigued with the social experiment & i was more intrigued with the wrongness of it all. we got it on once & it was horrible, from what I can remember anyway. it felt unnatural & unorganic & just plain old strange. i was taking bits and pieces of something blue throughout the night, feeling queasy, trying to make ten of them last, succeeding somewhat.

anyway,
we were competing in a sport that only exists in my dream, where you had to have marks on your heels & proof on your arms that you were competing.

and then i awoke without him there, happy he is not there, happy i am not athletic anymore, happy that my real lover was not home, happy that i was alone.

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and then i got a call from an old friend whose coming for christmas eve, & he asked me about diesel & im hoping he can find, make this girls christmas dream come true. dreaming of a off white christmas. dreaming of something else.

Here lies the misconception:

Most people think it makes you feel nothing at all. this is simply not true for me. if anything, i feel more. minus anxiety. i feel pain more, i feel love more, and i feel sadness more. i can finally open up. and withot it, i dont want anyone in my life. id rather sit in my room & stare at the walls. i dont want to see anyone. i just want to be alone.

and today im hoping my old friend comes through, not just with himself, but with some D because otherwise im just going to be bahhh humbag