(because i need you)

i'm fearing my small heart again. it's true, i wanted to find a saint. i wanted miracles to blind my tired eyes. perhaps they have. but what you wish never equates to the small facing truth of what you get. yes, miracles of others shine through. but does the shine needs to come from within? what can i say? what can i do? i wanted my xray vision to blind the inner cores of others. i wanted inspiration of mine to leak into heavy hearts of street passers. i wanted to play savior. i'm not used to needing saving. (this is all just a lie now) i wanted my body to dangle like sunflowers perched on a windowsill pocket hidden apartment on the lower east side. i wanted a brainy mind with cracked parts for the bad parts to be hidden in & leak into. i wanted to conduct experiments on boys who forgot to shape their minds. i wanted to show them electrical waves to find their way home. i wanted to follow yellow lines on the road & find MY way home. i wanted faded pictures of brautigan to give shape to me. i wanted to experience the visions only mystics dreamt of. elevate from the chaos, giving myself away to chance. & you, wearing only a beard as a saint would, you, having heavy blue eyes, seeing past the chaos. you, you came for me. & yet, i still find myself speaking through parenthesis.